Decision Fatigue

The benefits of glucose were unmistakable in the study of the Israeli
parole board. In midmorning, usually a little before 10:30, the parole
board would take a break, and the judges would be served a sandwich
and a piece of fruit. The prisoners who appeared just before the break
had only about a 20 percent chance of getting parole, but the ones
appearing right after had around a 65 percent chance. The odds dropped
again as the morning wore on, and prisoners really didn't want to
appear just before lunch: the chance of getting parole at that time
was only 10 percent. After lunch it soared up to 60 percent, but only
briefly. Remember that Jewish Israeli prisoner who appeared at 3:10
p.m. and was denied parole from his sentence for assault? He had the
misfortune of being the sixth case heard after lunch. But another
Jewish Israeli prisoner serving the same sentence for the same crime
was lucky enough to appear at 1:27 p.m., the first case after lunch,
and he was rewarded with parole. It must have seemed to him like a
fine example of the justice system at work, but it probably had more
to do with the judge's glucose levels.

This is why I will now begin every meal with a teaspoon of sugar; it's
only 15 calories and if it keeps me from eating a whole cheesecake,
it's well worth it.


Sometimes I feel like Dobby.

I just want to run headlong into a wall for some stupid mistake I made.
Just missed a train because I was wearing my headphones and didn't hear the "stand clear of the closing doors please!"

Ghost Busters HeadQuarters

I had to travel to Tribeca for work. I exited the subway and saw this Firehouse. I'd just seen something on the news on the Ghostbusters Firehouse. Sure enough, it was! 
I love New York City.

Dog Waste, $450 Fine

We have such a dog waste problem in the Bronx. It drives someone else nuts and I'm vindicated.

Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

I did a lot of hidden eating yesterday: stuff I didn't report. I don't know why I report this stuff. It does help a little bit. If I feel I've had a big carb-o-rific day I can cut back a little bit the next. Last night, I was starving. I was in the kitchen, standing over the frozen cookie dough with a spoon thinking, "This isn't good...this isn't good..." Sister was at home making home made pasta.

No running today. God, I just can't get my ass in gear in the mornings. Not even for a half-hour run. Good thing I don't belong to a regular gym. I'd never go. Yeah, I think it's just walking or running for me. I must remember that: I can always go for a walk.

Sometimes I get so down on myself for all the stuff I don't get accomplished. WTF is wrong with me. I never do all the things I want to do when I'm running around the track. I'm always thinking about all the stuff I should do and then I come home and never do them. I end up just trolling recipe websites because I'm obsessed with food now that I'm in starvation mode. Like I said, I finally understand starlets and their hell. Maybe I should take up smoking and adderall.

At ten thirty, I'm meeting friend and we're going to have lunch. Then, we're going to walk around her neighborhood until she has some big shin dig with friends or old co-workers at the Heartland Brewery at the Empire State Building. I'm going to head north and see other friend at two o'clock.

I have to finish the power book by Saturday because someone has requested it. I wonder if I can do that. Last night, I just looked a recipe websites. There are some things I can and feel like making and some that I don't. A lot of pasta recipes. Yes, pasta is easy but it's really like just eating sugar. I have to remember that. I might as well just eat cookies. I should be eating beans. Pasta is special occasion. Not every day. I should be eating beans and salad every day. I should be eating avocado, boiled eggs, salad, beans, and pearled barley. I like all those things. Why can't I be happy. I should have fully non-processed food days. Two rations of everything.

Oh, I give up. I just don't have it in me today. I'm sad because the New York Times is disappearing behind a pay wall tomorrow. One more vestige I'll never see again. Why must life be so difficult? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

Death and Taxes

Sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I did my taxes wrong. I plugged in the wrong numbers in investments and owed way too much. Of course, I goofed up and already submitted my taxes so now I have to call in the experts. I'm waiting for Turbotax to call so I can amend my taxes. The good news I don't owe half as much as I thought I owed. :) That's lucky. So, I can afford the tax advice. It's still a bargain.

It'll be nice to get it off my desk. I was sitting in a lot of pain, anxiety and angst this week.

I prayed and prayed to God for it to be lifted. I guess it was finally lifted this morning. I feel great. I felt great running around the track. Right now, I'd love to leave the apartment and drop off my laundry and maybe go to the grocery store but I'm waiting for Turbo Tax.

Last night, I met a woman who shared about being laid off. I gave her my phone number. I asked her if she liked Vegetarian food because I wanted to go to this place in Chinatown and am willing to treat her. So, maybe I'll ask her out for Tuesday evening. That would work for me.

I do believe in fundamental psychological shifts. One day booze is the answer to all of life's problems and the next day it's the cause of all of life's problems. Thank you there to the Simpsons.

I'm listening to a Daily Show audio book right now called Earth. It's pretty funny. It was a free download from the NYPL. I'm also reading a book by Greene called The 48 Laws of Power. It's amazing. I'm learning all sorts of terrible Machiavellian things. How to have and wield power. Keep my mouth shut and kiss ass. That's pretty much it. Well, those are a couple. Don't choose sides.

Sister just called and I explained the situation to her a little bit. I said I wanted to get off the phone, though, to keep the lines clear. I hate transferring between phone calls when I'm on the cell phone. I'm always afraid I'll hang up on both parties. I don't want to do that now.

So, it's been almost an hour and I'm still waiting for the tax pros to call me. Said it would be an hour and they have five minutes left. Bastards! They need to hire more people for Saturday morning! That's when we all do our taxes like losers. I don't have a big question.


Debbie from TurboTax called. She walked me through it and now I have to send a paper amendment. So it goes. Small price to pay, I guess. I shaved about $2,000 off my taxes so it's worth it. :) Yes, I'm a much wealthier woman now than I was. And it makes more sense. I made the same as I did 10 years ago. Ha! That's how much I was making in 2001 when I was working at REM. So it goes. Not that I like to remember that place.

Smoothing Bedspreads

Feeling good today. Got a lot of great sleep last night. Sprung forward this weekend.

Not much going on in my brain. I had an idea the other day when I was running around the track: resentments are puzzles. Humans like puzzles and games. A resentment is something that goes against the grain and we like to puzzle and puzzle and puzzle with it. We like to work it like a rubik's cube. I like to worry my resentments like a rubik's cube. When I had that idea, it was like a Eureka! This morning, was thinking about a resentment and I stopped myself. "Think about another puzzle." And I did. I have other puzzles I need to think about.

I need to buy a plane ticket and just looked to see what days are the cheapest days to fly: Wednesday, Tuesday and Saturday. I can fly to SF on the 20th of April and be there for my sister's birthday. Then, I can fly out on the Tuesday after Easter (my birthday). Ooooh, how exciting.

Yesterday, I got on the train and headed into the city to meet friend for sushi lunch. She paid for the meal which was unnecessary. But then we walked down to Effi's bakery where I bought us cups of decaf and a couple cookies which we shared. I got the chocolate chip cookie and she got the oatmeal raisin but I think I preferred the oatmeal raisin! How weird. I never thought I liked oatmeal raisin cookies. Well, I like them but I was never really that into them.

She told me I have to get my butt in gear when it comes to the school applications. Okay okay. I'll work on them a little bit today. I'll do four or five and then head over to the post office with them. Shoot them off into the world. I don't really want to. I have to also look into the Norton Symantec renewals and all my subscriptions. I hate wasting money. But I'm so good at it! I also have to work on my taxes. Just get those done.

We caught another mouse this morning. Roommate held the bag and I put it in there--still alive and kicking. And kind of bloody. Well, those are the breaks. If you're going to break into our house and eat our food and excrete all over the place, you're going to have to pay the consequences.

I need to do a little bit of cleaning, too. I need to do a big dusting like I did last month. Man, that was so awesome. I need to call my mother. She called last night but I didn't pick up the phone. She must have been near the phone.

I worry about the future and need to stop that. Things are never as bad as I think they're going to be. I've always been good at "seeing" the future and the future is always black and terrible.

Okay, I have a lot on my plate today. Last night, I spent two hours on hotel pictures. I spent two hours smoothing bed spreads that I hadn't before because it wasn't in the budget. She gave me a budget and I had work within the confines of that. But then she gave me a little more wiggle room.

How do you make a whore moan?

Ugh. I haven't written in awhile. I've been working every day. Haven't run for awhile and put on a few pounds. I had a bad period. It was two weeks late and when it showed I got water bloat and bad skin. One day, I was alternately livid and then to the point of tears. Hormones. How do you make a whore moan?

I got up a couple pounds and now am back down a bit. Man, I thought I'd go up forever. It kind of freaked me out and I got kind of down about it. "Is this the way I live now?" I thought. "Constantly hungry in order to fit into a pair of jeans?" It made me sad. It's not a daily reprieve with me. I'm hungry about 75% of the time. I'm only not hungry when I'm running at the track or about an hour after I eat. Then, the second hour, I'm okay but could definately eat. The last hour before I eat I'm always checking the clock. I've learned how to do other things, though.

Last night, I just looked at recipes for longer than I should. I need to stop doing that. It's just a waste of time. I made tandoori chicken and I don't think I broiled it long enough. Yesterday, I warmed some up in the microwave. It was still a little pink in the middle (which doesn't make sense considering I nuked it for three minutes and that should cook any chicken really). I made some pearl barley and that stuff is the shiznet. I'm a Pearl Barley woman from now on. It has fewer calories than rice and it has a nice mouth feel. I think it's more nutritious, too. Well, according to online. I may have to do some more research.

No more Capri bakery, though.

I dunno. I'm doing a couple different things in front of the computer now. I'm feeding 18 discs of Oh The Glory of It All by Wilsey into the computer. Mom enjoyed it. We'll see. It may be a San Francisco thing. I know it was a very popular book when it came out. And it's read by my favorite (sarcasm) Scott Brick. Another 18 discs of a sarcastic tone. *sigh* Oh well, I don't hate him. He does a good job.

Don't know what I'll have for breakfast. I have so many options. Food I really need to be eating. I need to make some beef burritos with that beef I've been freezing and thawing and freezing and thawing. I just buy too much food for one person. It really is cheaper to cook for yourself--unless you're going to eat it all immediately. Then, it's a waste if it gives you food poisoning or you're going to just throw it out. No rest for the weary in this house.

Landlady will be home to accept Fedex packages tomorrow. Client is sending me a Fedex package but I'm going to be working in the city tomorrow...

Mom just called. Sister is home and I spoke with her, too. She says mom's doing a lot of things one-handed (because of her surgery on the 1st). I love mom. I love my sister! I hope it lasts forever!  We discussed me coming out for Birthdays. Mine's on Easter this year so we could have a big Easter meal. Maybe I'll try my hand at Beef Wellington. I could just buy the pastry dough. I don't have to roll it out.

Sister's doing her taxes. I think I'm going to work on my own today. I played a little bit with Lightroom last night. I need to get better at batch work. When I get done here, I'm going to go back to that website hipchunk? and look at flights to SF. Just a short trip. I said I'd be out in the Spring. I think there was some new-year's resolution to go to SF three times a year instead of two. Yep, every 4 months or so sounds about right. I just keep making other trips. This year it's to the UK where I'll see mom and dad.


On Saturday night, roommate was freaking out because she'd found one mouse in a trap and then seen two mice run into her room. They were scurrying all about. I baited the final traps for her and put them in her room. She said she'd call her own exterminator and I don't blame her.

Yesterday morning, I did my run and then came back here and futzed. Made plans with DB to go down to Bay Ridge to pick up software and take him to lunch. Right before I left, roommate's exterminator showed up and I gotta say he talked a much better game than the exterminator that landlady called. He was interested in doing it right: plugging up holes and such.

But last night, roommate was banging around at eleven. She'd caught another mouse and she was upset about it. :( Poor thing. I have no idea why they're not in my room but I consider myself very lucky so far.

Took the train down to Bay Ridge and got to 86th street in an hour and a half taking express trains. So, I guess it can be done.

We walked to The Bridgeview diner which has a huge B health rating number in the front window. I don't think I've eaten at a B establishment before. And it did have a case of the yucks. I looked at the floor underneath one booth and there were whole pieces of food just sitting there. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and at the chicken, lettuce and tomato and only ate one quarter of the bread. Then, I ordered a terrible piece of lemon meringue pie for dessert. Instead of crust, it was a cake.

I went down into the subway and there was a train heading to Manhattan and another train heading to the last stop--other friend's stop. I took it and called her. She was home!

So, I went over there. Had a nice chat. She made me decaf coffee and put out some spice bread. We were discussing recipes and she found a recipe for Tandoori chicken. She put all the spices into a little container for me and then copied the recipe on her scanner printer. So, now I have to go to Key Food and get the rest of the ingredients for Tandoori Chicken. I hope I can do it in my 9x13 pan!

The trip back up here was uneventful. I did not watch the Oscars but watched the Family Guy Christmas special (re-run) while going through the Mark Bittman easy cookbook. There are tons of things in there I can cook. He's got a roast chicken recipe. I don't think I'm going to make soups anymore.

Free-floating anxiety today

Free-floating anxiety today. Just a lot of little things. It's not sunny out but kind of grey. Had an okay run. On my way, I passed the broken pedestrian light and decided to finally call 311 on it. It's all turned around and gets people confused about whether they should cross the street or not.

Talked to 311 and told them the problem. By the time I was done with my run, within an hour, it had been taken care of!!! Wow! How's that for someone being on it? :) So, that was nice.

Came home and got ready for the exterminators who were supposed to be here at ten. Kept waiting and waiting. Finally got an email from landlady saying they're coming tomorrow instead because of mis communication. So it goes. I don't care. The mice get a stay of execution. One more day they can live it up!

Last night, I met friend at Milon at about 6:30 p.m. Before hand, I went to Moishe's and got a Hamantachen. I have to eat there while it's still open. OMG they've got such tasty Hamantachen. I'll weep the day that place closes.

Had a little nibble on the way to Milon. We skipped the appetizers (all fried) and the naan. I got tandoori chicken and friend ordered a couple of delicious sides. After dinner, we walked up to Veniero's on East 11th street. There, I had a slice of the almond cheese cake and a decaf coffee and friend had a piece of regular Italian cheesecake. I polished mine off and could have had another slice easily.

I need to go to the library and I need to go into the city. Everything today is okay. I guess I'm a little on edge because I got two requests today to do batch processing and I've never done that. I don't have the software and would need to purchase it. Light room is expensive.

I also got investment information back from dad for my taxes. I need to fill that information in and do that. Lucky for me I still have tons of time.

It feels like a Friday even though it's a Thursday. I slept all right last night. I'm defrosting burrito stuff in order to make more frozen burritos. It's getting to be about breakfast time. It's almost noon.


I'm in a great mood today. My fingers can finally work again. I was trying to type before but I was so cold from my run. Yesterday, after my marketing, I turned off the computer for awhile and read a networking book. It helped and I decided to be a better networker. To get out of myself.

I took the train into the city and went to the meeting. I was a little early and saw a woman sitting outside of the room waiting for the second meeting to start. Typically, I'd ignore her. But I'd been reading that networking book so I decided to say hello and ask if she was a newcomer. Turns out she kind of was. Her name was Alice and she had about five months but had counted days in Los Angeles. So, we talked about the differences between California and New York . It wasn't a stellar conversation and I think I talked more than I should have. But I was so damn proud of myself for saying something!

When I got into the meeting, I mentally thought of all the people I knew by name. While I didn't say hi to anyone, I did keep a smile on my face. I saw this guy John on the other side of the room so I did say hello to him. I like him even though I don't know him if that makes any sense. He may prove otherwise in the future.

Decided to walk all the way up to 116th street to the Capri bakery (even though in my heart I wasn't that into the carbs at the moment). Once I decide I can do something, I'm loathe to give it up. It was pretty cold last night and my hands got numb. Once I got hoofing it, though, I was okay. I decided on a nasty berry pie and a chocolate chip cookie (i.e. a cookie with chocolate chips on top). I kind of did some emotional eating of the cookie. The  cookie was ending up in my mouth at a rapid pace. I had to stop myself.

Watched a Mad Men episode on the way home. That got me out of my head.

When I got home, roommate was kind of worked up about the mouse situation. She'd been cleaning.

This morning, I put on my new, white cap and headed over to the park. Both the track and the path were clear so that was nice. While I was running around, I saw a camera man and a young news anchor. She stopped me and asked me what I thought of the new smoking ban in parks. I gotta say, I don't give a rip and don't think I gave her a very good interview. I hemmed and hawed. Not stellar television there.

I put the turbotax into the computer this morning and fired it up. I found my taxes from last year so that should help. It plugged them right in and filled in a lot of the nonsense I typically have to re-do. What a smart program. I know I'll change my tune.

Yesterday, for lunch, I ate my homemade frozen burritos. I think I need to tinker with the recipe.

Roommate sent around an email this morning saying the mice were out of control and landlady needs to call and exterminator. So, I hope that happens today. I sent out a lot of emails yesterday. Under my new system, I can send out about 50 in a day. Yesterday was a "Katie" day and it may be a "Katie" day again today. A lot of Katies in photography. Problem is, they all have music on their pages so I have to turn my speakers off. Ugh.

Heading North

Well, it snowed last night. No running today. Maybe I'll head over to the track anyway and do some laps. I have my new pedometer that tracks calorie count. Supposedly yesterday I burned about 800 calories with the running and the walking.

I got restless yesterday afternoon so took the train all the way down to City Hall and walked north. I walked through Chinatown and wondered what I wanted to eat. I know myself. Once I got something in my head, I can't shake it. So, if I think, "I'm going to have a piece of chocolate cake," even if I eat a HUGE Thanksgiving meal beforehand, I'll still want that cake. So, I just have to have the cake.

I wanted a pastry from the Ferrara Bakery on Grand Street. That's what I wanted. I could mindfully eat all the Chinese dumplings in the world, but I'd still want that piece of pastry from Ferrara so I best just eat that. Like I resigned myself to a fate of living in NYC for the rest of my life, I resigned myself to eating pastry at every meal. I just gotta run it out.

Walked up there and got a piece of Dark Chocolate cake. I can't remember what it was called. Waited forever in line but they took my credit card which was nice. They've got a nice standing place to eat pastries which was helpful. I didn't have to stand over a mailbox or anything in the freezing cold. It was cold last night but not as cold has it has been.

Finished mindfully eating my dinner and then headed north. Up Mott and up Lafayette to the K-Mart where I used their remarkably-clean bathrooms. I found exactly what I was looking for. I could have wept. I found a white baseball cap for $2.99. That's exactly what I've been needing for my runs. Something with a light color that I can throw into the wash. I cannot throw the Jets cap I bought for dad in the wash. I have to put that back in the mail to him. Or, perhaps I'll just bring it along with me to England and give it to him there.

No, then he's got a dirty cap all through England. No, I'll just mail it to them or take it back next xmas.

Headed north again to the Best Buy. I'd totally forgotten there was a Best Buy at Union Square. I think it used to be a Circuit City or something. Well, it's always been an electronics store. Bought a copy of Turbo Tax so I have to get on that at some point. So I can go to work and print out all my paperwork. Use them. :) Maybe I'll start on that today. All I have to do is plug in numbers and write some painful checks.

I missed all the new shows last night but not to worry. I'll watch them at some other time. Now what we have the hulu and the netflix, who needs to watch things when they come out? I can watch them at my leisure.

I wrote to about 50 people with Kate or Katie in their name. Yesterday I just googled that an reaped tons of names. Who knows if any of them will pan out but what the hell else do I have to do? I need to make some more money.

Last night, I saw a mouse and emailed everyone. The mice ignore the traps at this point. They're smart mice.

Super Bowl Sunday

It's superbowl sunday. Packers versus the Steelers. I don't have a dog in that fight, as my father would say, but if I had to choose I'd go with the Packers. It's my Midwestern roots.
The pork chop baked ended up nice. I need to make the other pork chop recipe today. I'll have pork chops for days! Oh well, I like pork chops. :) Although those poor pigs. I'm terrible. Chicken is much cheaper. I should really switch to chicken as it's better for me: two legs good, four legs bad. :) Animal Farm be damned. This is Michael Pollan we're talking about here.
Mom called me from Portland this morning. I guess they're all there. She called early because the Sunday morning show was featuring the Black Eyed Peas and she didn't care. I don't care either. I asked to speak to Aunt Charlene and had a good chat with her. I told her how much I enjoyed the Caramel bars she made and left for us at the Condo. She said she'd email me the recipe. Mmmm, I love those.

I may treat myself to a baked good today but I don't know what yet.

Working the Rosary

I'm keeping out of the way. Roommate has a suitor over. She said yesterday that they were going to go to church but I don't think that happened. He's over now and they're eating. I'm staying out of the way.

It's so sunny and cold out today. Back down in the 20s during my run. Well, the track's open again. It's clear. That 60-degree day really just melted all the snow in the park--which is really odd. I got used to seeing everything covered in white. Now it's all brown again. The track is clear. I even wore my Wal*Mart sneakers which can't have any liquid around them at any time or they absorb any liquid.

I texted Brooklyn friend to see if he was receiving visitors down in Bay Ridge today and he said he's going to Jersey. I needed to get on a train and go somewhere. Now I need another plan, although just sitting in my room works for right now.

I feel good now. I went out last night at around 7:45 pm and headed into the city with the Capri bakery in mind. I got out at 110th street and walked north. Damn! It was windy and cold. It brought tears to my eyes. Got to the Capri bakery and it was standing room only. I decided on a slice of white cake with white frosting and a coconut cookie. It just looked too good. Walked up to 125th street and got on a train back home. I got a little exercise. :)

Turns out the cake was a pineapple cake with a whipped cream frosting. No doubt a slice of cake from a cake they couldn't sell. It was all right. I don't know if I'm going to get it again although I did enjoy it. I had a third of the coconut cookie this morning before my run. I had a third last night on my way home. I just couldn't wait.

I was thinking of going to Best Buy to get a copy of Turbo Tax and figured last night was the last night to get the $10 off at Best Buy. Nope. This morning, I got an email from Turbo Tax saying there's a new $10-off promotion until the 26th. Screw you, Turbotax!!

I need to start marketing for two hours a day. I have a lot of little things that need doing. Now that I have this new marketing trick: pick one name and just google it and see what pops up. My God there are so many photographers!

I'm not doing a lot of reading. I should just return all my books to the library and be done with them. I should just give up on reading for the rest of my life. It's just not going to happen.

My period is almost a week late. This is very odd indeed. I hope I'm having the next savior. That would be cool although a lot of people would profane my name. A lot of people think it's funny to take Mary's name in vain. I don't think I've ever taken Mary's name in vain. I have a memory of sitting on the front steps in Kenilworth, working a rosary. So I did a rosary. I don't think it helped a lick but I didn't need much help.

Uh oh, the crap's sneaking back into the diet. Might as well just be eating ice cream.

Eating Oranges in the Street

It's cold again today. Yesterday and the day before (I think) it was in the 50s and 60s and today it's back down in the 40s. On my way back from the track, it started snowing a little bit but not much. Just a reminder that it is still February and spring is nowhere to be seen. Not by a long shot.

I'm doing okay. I'm fed. I bought myself a new pedometer yesterday that tracks steps, miles, and calories. I have no idea how it knows calories as I could be any height and weight. Also, I could have walked my 12,000 steps at the track instead of run so who knows how they make those calculations. Yes, I'm doing okay. I was resentful earlier. I hope I continue to do okay. I'm very blessed today.

After volunteering at the museum yesterday afternoon, I went up to 88th street. While I was looking for a place to eat an orange, I saw my friend. She stood with me while I awkwardly ate an orange over a news paper box over a Writer's Workshop booklet (for the peelings). It was very messy and I don't recommend it. But, it's a way to eat an orange on the street.

She and I walked north in the lovely night. We walked north to 96th street where she went to her apartment and I plugged onward. I had a carb craving all day long and I was going to go to the Capri bakery and see what they had. I walked up to 116th street. The Bakery was filled up but I finally decided on a huge piece of cheese cake with chocolate cream on top and a strawberry.

I brought it home and ate about 85% of it. Oh, it wasn't the best I'd ever had but it was very rich and very delicious none the less. This morning, before my run, I ate the last 15-20% of it. I started Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix. I think the Potter books are making a little more sense this time around. Before, I used to listen to them in bed and I think I slept through good portions of them. So I never really understood what was going on. This time, there are still a lot of questions, but I'm more alert.

Okay, so what am I going to do with the rest of the day? I'm going to maybe take a walk to the library. I don't have to pick anything up or drop anything off, but it's a destination that isn't food oriented. I bought ingredients for burritos so at some point today I need to brown a little hamburger. I suppose I could do that in an hour or two when everyone is gone. I just warmed up some of my stir fry. I've got too much food around here but it's good food to have around. It's like a vending machine. I've made little meals like tv dinners. I just pull 'em out of the freezer and warm them up. But they're food I made for myself.

I have to re-new my license. I got the form in the mail yesterday. $88 for 8 years.

The three-year-olds should not run the preschool

I didn't get up and run this morning. Roommate and boyfriend came home last night and were up past midnight like they always are slamming doors, cabinets and toilet seats. I want to get all passive aggressive and go slam that little office door about 20 times at six a.m. See how they feel about it.

I have to practice acceptance and I have to look at my resentments here. What am I holding onto? What principle? What shoulds am I forcing here?
 I'm really really really good at getting out of shit that I don't like: jobs and relationships and apartments. I have no problem with going. It's the staying I have a problem with. I just always assume every situation is unchangeable and I have no say so therefore I have to "take it or leave it." There is no middle ground. I guess I learned in my house it was take it or leave it and I had little to no say. Not that mom was a dictator, but I don't remember having a lot of say in things. My opinion and wants were not solicited. Now, whether mom knew what my wants and needs were. I don't know. I don't remember. I didn't have an unhappy childhood. No, that's not my point. But she was in charge. I guess as a mother should be. The three-year-olds should not run the preschool or it's all play and birthday cake and no naps.

At eleven forty five today, I'm heading into the city to volunteer. I ate more than this yesterday. I just didn't have the camera out.

Gray Morning

It's a gray morning. I set the alarm for early because I'm sick of running around in the sun--even on a cold day. It's best to get in the habit now of rising before dawn and doing the run. The earlier the better I say. It's so warm now.

I need to continue to listen to that Difficult Conversations book and really listen and learn. I'm learning some stuff. I'm learning about those intentions.

Uploading the photograph for a client. Although she's not a new client, I haven't really worked with her much in the past so I'm nervous about her wants and needs. She seems okay, but I'll be happy when this project is over. I hate estimating for time. Then, it's like I have to play the timing game. I send something to her when I'm at about 75%. If she likes it, great! If not, I'm still under time so it's all good. But I hate that.

It's such a relief doing stuff that needs doing. Now, I have to probably turn off the computer and do some other things. I need to do marketing. I need to take a big, stinky pile of clothes to the laundromat. I suppose I could turn off the computer for a couple hours. Maybe I'll do my marketing now and then turn it off for the rest of the afternoon.


Read an article in the New York Times this morning about actresses and how they order huge meals when they go out to eat with journalists. They eat a normal meal and the journalist reports that they're "just like you and me." But they're not. They're just doing that for the cameras. Oh, they insist they're obsessed with macaroni and cheese like everyone else--and I believe them. When you diet, you're obsessed with food.

I've started taking photographs of how much I eat again. For some reason, I like it. I'm reading Mindless Eating or something with that title. It's really opening my eyes to how much food we shove in our gobs without thinking. I know I used to eat very non-mindfully. I'd just eat until I was gorged and bloated and miserable.

It's warming up outside. Today it's going to be in the 40s. I noticed it during my run. I had one lap with gloves and then removed them. I even checked out the real track which is now about 80% cleared. But, there was still leg-breaking ice on it. Not worth it. Also, the water and puddles on the track get soaked up by my Wal*Mart sneakers which I was wearing today. So, no dice. I did one test run and it wasn't bad but then it was back to the outside track.

I'm listening to several books right now. Probably not a good thing. One is the Mindless Eating book. Another is an Ayn Rand biography and a book on having Difficult Conversations. I'm reaching the end of the Michael Pollan books which is fine with me. I think I get the message. I will be forever grateful. I eat plants but not as much as I did in January. I was almost on a GD fast. I've started eating a lot of rice and beans and stuff. So it goes. I should nix the rice.

Anyway, the Difficult Conversations book is interesting. The different viewpoints and no one is "right." We all have our stories and intentions. We assume others are out with devious intentions. We project negative things on others. What bothers me about the book is they have amateurs reading it. They're as boring and insipid as tofu. I don't like books read by the author (for the most part). The only person who has done a good job, I've found, is Toby Young who read How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. I was a little surprised to find out he'd read his own book. He did very good impressions.

I should do my marketing this morning and get it over with. Last night, I did my marketing. I just typed in "Wong" and photography and a billion Chinese photographers popped up. Damn, I'm so smart. I think I'm going to do that from now on. Forget the photo credit nonsense. There are so many photographers out there. I calculated last night: I've contacted about 3,500 different photographers and marketing firms. And I haven't even scratched the surface. There are so many more being born each year. Someone else is putting out a shingle.

Toilets at Grand Central Station

I love the toilets at Grand Central Station. They're very clean and there are a lot of them.

Put together the packets for both Queens CUNY and USF. Took photographs of the ingredients so when I freak out later I can have photographic proof that I included everything that needed including. I'm a nut job that way. What the hell am I getting myself into, here? Do I really want to go to school? Well. Why the heck not? So it goes.

Turned off the computer and finally finished the WIRED magazine that was burning a hole in my bureau top. The next one will arrive tomorrow! It was a good issue. I ripped out two articles and sent them to dad. One was on con men and grifters in the 19th century and the other was about some dry statistician who figured out how the lottery worked. He used his knowledge for good, however, so we can root for him. It's kind of refreshing. Instead of cashing in on it, he went to the lottery and showed them how he'd done it. I'd buy that guy a drink if I was the drinking sort. But I'm not. Not anymore.

Valentine's Day

I'm tired and am in a cranky mood. I thought I was going to get up early and go for a run. I was even wide awake and getting ready to go out when I remembered my terrible morning the other day. I felt really tired and it's no fun walking around in the dark. It's kind of creepy. You don't know what kind of psychos are in the park or out and about at that hour. Just I just stayed in bed, frustrated.

Checked my email and the cablevision bills are still coming to me--even though roommate and I filled out paperwork to have them go to her.

Went to the MET yesterday. There was very little that was new. I may have wasted my money on a membership. Oh well: money over the dam. It's going to be warm for the first time in months. Yesterday, I wore a light jacket and that was blessed. I have to concentrate on that today and not on all the piddling little bullshit that bothers me.

Am I still cranky? A little. I feel like I want to lash out. I was feeling so good yesterday. No sleep and extra paperwork makes me go something something. Last night, I stepped into Best Buy on 86th street to buy a copy of Turbo tax and walked out without it. I bought a charger and another set of headphones but completely spaced on what I'd walked in there to buy in the first place. *sigh*

There's a bad moon on the rise. I was thinking this morning in bed. I was remembering all the bad times. Facebook reminds me of a lot of things I'd like to forget. I'd like to defriend half the people I'm friends with. That's the way I am: I get rid of clutter. I defriend people. I should defriend one person a month.

I just want to read books and be left alone.

The Roman Wing

I made Aunt Charlene's Caramel bars last night and I'm not sharing. I figured the whole recipe has about 3,500 calories in it. So, divided by 9....*sigh* I'm a monster with this crap. I bore myself. Never mind the whole time I was making them I was dipping my finger in the caramel bowl. I found a jar of caramel sauce at the Peach Pit. Who knows how long it was there, for? It was impossible to open, too. I had the gloves out along with the hot water. Finally got it open. I really didn't know what I was going to do as the recipe was already in full process. And I don't know anyone who might be able to do it.

Yesterday, I cooked with vermicelli mung bean noodles. Damn! Those things. They just multiply. They're like an alien substance. Impossible to work with.

I also bought 8x8 pans at the 99 cent store that's no longer 99 cents. Those stores will go the way of the five and dime and the dodo bird. That poor dodo. I think we should clone one. Create one out of outdated DNA. We can do that now. We can do all sorts of magic.

I suppose if I'm going to the MET I should get on with that. It closes at five o'clock on Sundays. Dust off my camera. I worked a little bit on photographs yesterday. Haven't done that in a long time. I stopped doing it when I was studying for the GRE. So it goes.

Maybe I'll go to the Roman wing. I like that place. I like those antiquities. I can't believe how old some of that stuff is.

I'm a very lucky woman. I can't get over that. Lucky in spirit and lucky in body and lucky in life. Blessed.

Donuts for Valentine's Day

I was a little cranky this morning when I was running around in the park. I guess everyone has a big leash-free dog party on Saturday mornings. Which is fine, I guess, if they clean up after their dogs. But one guy, with a brindle black and brown dog, did not. Whatever. He was already in the red with me on that one. Then, his dog follows me and jumps on me when I'm running away. It freaked the fuck out of me! The dog was just being friendly, but dude! Leash your dog. It made me want to get all old lady on them and call the cops. My inner old lady is strong.

I had to throw away that pedometer yesterday. I'm glad I didn't spend more money on it. I have to complain about it online. It just kept resetting itself. The button would get pushed somehow. I'd look down and it would say I'd walked 50 steps back from the bathroom. When I'd accidentally pushed it while rearranging my clothes after using the toilet. :( Fume. I just threw it away. I can't have stuff like that kicking around making me mental.

Yesterday, the accounting department brought in dunkin' donuts for valentines day. I wasn't going to have one: but then manager comes in with half a one and gives me the other one. :( Thanks, manager. You're the one person I thought wasn't going to have one! Of course then I wasn't hungry for lunch but forced myself to go to Trader Joe's and stand in line for over 10 minutes. The line was back and around the store. Well, they do have cheap stuff. I guess it is worth waiting in line for. At least they have one line. If it was several lines, it would be turmoil I can tell you. I just stood in line and watched South Park cartoons. That made it better.

Mom and I were talking on the phone today about transatlantic flights and how much I abhor long flights. She says they're not that bad. You sit there for 20 hours but you watch four movies and sleep and they keep bringing around meals for you to eat. So, yeah, I guess. I need to go to Singapore.

What do I have to do today? I should go over to the library and sort out this book mess. I have a Nancy Mitford book out but my record shows I have something else completely checked out. So, I need to sort out that mess. I will not be dinged for not having a book out. And I need to go somewhere where I'm known and trusted.

Horse Running Wild

I had my run this morning. A police horse got loose from the stables in the park. As I was running around, I saw a horse in the woods with no rider. There was a policeman on foot kind of trying to corral it. "Run!" I told it, "You can be free if you want!" Or something like that. The police officer wasn't amused but I found it funny as hell. The horse headed back to the stable. I guess it's not so dumb. It wouldn't have lasted very long on the streets of the Bronx.

Manhattan Adventure

At about four o'clock, I sent off the final image and headed into the city. I brought a Seth Godin book, Meatball Sundae, on the train but wasn't even able to read it. My brain was fried. I got off the train at 86th street and headed over to the reservoir in Central Park. It got cold last night! Good thing I checked the weather before I left. Damn! It rained yesterday morning but then the temperature dropped. Thank goodness I had my new, warm, Christmas hoodie.

The reservoir was a dud. The track was covered in ice. It reminded me of that field we used to have in Illinois that we ice skated on. I decided to trudge on and only made it around about a quarter of it before I realized it was dumb. Too cold and slippery. No one else was about. That was kind of nice. I finally figured out the one weather I could have the reservoir to myself in. I listened to Harry Potter and headed south on Fifth Avenue.

I passed all the old mansions and looked in the windows. A lot of them are re-purposed as clubs and businesses now. Arts clubs and museums. Ah, the wealth! Makes me want to read a little Wharton. When I got to FAO Schwartz, I headed inside to look at the Barbie exhibit. It wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Sure, there were some nice Barbies, but not a lot of them. I'd give it a C+.

I continued down Fifth Avenue but by this time I was hungry. I fantasized about having a Crumbs cupcake for dinner. I knew there was one across from the Main library branch on 42nd street. But when I got there, there was no place to sit. I didn't want to get a cupcake and then stand around in the cold. That's no fun!

The main library branch I donated the Meatball Sundae book in the donation bin. I then checked out a Mitford book (I probably won't read it) and a John Prine CD. Headed over to Modell's and bought a pedometer. It said $9.99 on the back (cheap!) but the woman rang it up to a total of $14 something. "That's an awful lot of sales tax for a ten-dollar item!" I said. I showed her the price sticker on the back and she had to get the manager downstairs to override it. I hope that's not some scam they're running!

Went over to Grand Central and used their bathrooms. God those are great bathrooms! And I got there just after they'd been cleaned. Awesome. Sometimes, you just score in life. Then, I went back and forth from Junior's to Zaro's figuring out which pastry I wanted. For some reason, I got it in my mind to have pastry for dinner. It started with Crumbs. Man, I was mocus last night.

Still couldn't decide so just decided to head north. Went to 116th street and got soft tacos at El Aguilar. Delicious. Note to self: one is plenty. It came with two tortillas so there was enough meat in both tacos for two. So I ended up getting four tacos for a little over $5. Yeah, they're $2.50 apiece.

Then, because I still had pastry on my mind, I walked over to the Capri bakery and got a big slice of yellow cake. She packed it up and I took it home. Had my nose buried in the bag the whole train ride home while I watched a Sons of Anarchy episode. God, it smelled good!

And it was more delicious than I hoped! I ate it mindfully and stopped when I got full. I must remember not to over eat and negate all my hard work. Yes, it's all about portion control and there were a lot of calories in that thing. On top of the tacos.

Last night, I woke up because I was too hot. Haven't been there in awhile--carb burning late at night.

Henry Clay Frick

Last night, I walked around the block a couple times. I passed the Frick. Man, what a house! I tried to imagine living there like Henry Clay did. I'd love that garden and have breakfast every morning while I lived there. Well, in good weather. I'd have my coffee and watch the carriages go up and down Fifth Avenue. And I'd hang out with all the wealthy people. Ugh. I'm both attracted and repelled by the wealthy. On one hand, I'd love their wealth, but on the other hand, the women seem no happier than me. I know that more than half of them have had plastic surgery and are starving themselves. Social x-rays. The men are probably all looking at each others stock portfolios and Southampton house. And that Getty Jr. died. He was kidnapped and had his ear cut off and no one bailed him out! That's what his family thought of him.

Super Bowl Sunday

I put on the Super Bowl. I decided to root for the Packers because of my Midwestern roots. Funny how quickly I became engaged once I'd made a choice. At the beginning of the day, I didn't give a fig but once I'd chosen the Packers, I wanted them to win and hated the Steelers. It could have gone the other way! There's a study in human nature. Just like the blue-eyes study that Jane Elliott did with the school children. That's how we are: and we have to fight it every day.

Nostalgia for a time when I wasn't happy

I get nostalgic for times when I felt "safe." I miss lots of stuff. I miss my big apartment in Carmichael. I miss having the Albertsons right across the street and my parents two hours away.

I guess I felt "safe" at my old job. I was never going to lose that job. I felt safe in CA. I wasn't happy at the C*A, but I sorta liked Sacramento in its own way.

I wonder what my life would be like right now if I'd stuck it out. What I'd be doing?

I don't regret FOR A SECOND moving back to ASHTON KUTCHER!!!!

I wanna walk all the way over to Murray Hill on my lunch hour because the food around here sucks. Its' ALL DELIS!!

I remember a little Indian place on 33rd or 34th. *sigh*

Why am I nostalgic for times when I wasn't all that happy? Why!?


Heavy sigh. It feels good to get back to "normal." I'm accomplishing a lot today but I still haven't done all the things I need to do. I set the alarm this morning for six but of course rolled over and went back to sleep. Got up a little before eight o'clock and put on the running gear. Made the coffee and headed out. No dice. I got to the asphalt path and decided to scope it out before doing a running lap. About 50% of it was still un runnable. This gave me a case of the sads. So, I walked home. The whole trip probably took me about 45 minutes so I had a nice walk. But still.

Mom called me. She's in Portland with dad. It was six a.m. there so no lights were on. She was in front of the fireplace under a blanket. A nice image. I wish I had a fireplace that flicked on with a switch. Maybe in my dream house. The house that my sister will build for me.

That walk did me good. Even with the peanut butter chip cookies from the Farmer's Market yesterday. That's what I had for lunch yesterday. I was really craving baked goods so walked to Union Square on my lunch hour. Got a $2 bag of three cookies and had two for lunch. Munched on one back to work which was kind of a mistake because it was still below freezing and my hands got so cold they hurt. :( I hate that! I hate when it's so uncomfortable outside it's painful. I don't mind the cold, but sometimes it's a pain in the ass when it hurts.

Right now, I'm ripping "Fear of Flying" onto the computer. Picked it up from the library. Had a nice, chatty back and forth with the librarian. I like her. She's an older lady and very friendly and nice. I like very friendly and nice people. It may seem like a no brainer, but, they seem to be rare. Nice is pretty easy to find and polite is easy as well. But nice, friendly and personable? Not so much. I complimented her on her snowflake earrings. She said she was worried she'd jinxed us with so much snow with her earrings! It was kind of funny.

Went to the Chinese vegetable stand and picked up oranges, tofu, broccoli, noodles, and stir fry sauce. And, as always, a little fruit cup. It's so cheap there but I have to pay in cash. I'm sure that's the place that got my credit card info. So it goes. They've got the dial up. Then, stopped at the economy store for liquid soap and then the grocery store for pork chops and other necessities. I really need to do shopping lists and plan out more menus. Although this pork chop bake I just made will feed me for 8 meals. Which is a lot. Last night, I polished off the chicken Parmesan which lasted for more than a week. I eat out and on the town. I was in the city for the whole week so ate there.

I'd hoped to change my sheets today but the day is still young. I can still do it. I feel like cleaning. I also bought ingredients for Autumn pork chops (basically pork chops sauteed in apple juice) but I have to defrost the apple juice from the freezer.

My skin is so dry! God, it bothers me. I drink too much liquid. I'm always going to the bathroom and therefore washing my hands and my hands get so chapped. I need to do a nightly treatment or something.