What Fresh Hell is This?

What fresh hell is this? I'm not necessarily tired, but I definately
got some sun today. My hands are hot. I was running around in the hot
sun this morning (I'd put sunscreen on my face) and was walking around
in the sun this early afternoon.

I was a little early, so I walked in the hot sun to the Chatham Square library branch where I scanned the classics and ended up reading Breakfast at Tiffany's until Laura called to tell me she was there. She
and I lost each other while trying to find each other on Canal, but
ended up walking all the way through Chinatown and Little Italy and up
the Bowery to Milon. All the waiters recognized her; evidently she
used to go there once every two weeks or so. Yeah, they'd get to know

We ate like princes. So much good food!  Laura and I had the front table with the garden-like view. We sat and talked
there for a long time before waddling over to Avenue A to get
depressed at how much it had changed. Actually, most of the things we
remembered were still there. Some had changed but a lot had stayed the

I stopped going to Avenue A once I got caught up in Comedy. I think
the Boston Comedy club is gone because when we were in the West
Village it looked like it was something else. But it's difficult to
look at something new and say, "such and such was there before." Even
though I may have looked at the old building a zillion times, as soon
as a new building is put in, I can't remember the former. So it goes.

We went to Simone's on First Avenue and 8th Street/Saint Marks's
Place. Randy was having trouble with the other car so Laura had to cut
her visit short. I felt bad for her but she didn't complain much at
all. Good for her. I remarked on how positive she was being/is. I
really do wish I could be more like her.

We walked down St. Mark's past Astor Place to I dunno the North of
Washington Square Park. It's all torn up--the North East corner.
Everything's always being torn up. I'm so used to it by now. Anything
you want to go see it's being worked on in some way, shape, or form.

Tap Dancing Like Gene Kelly

I got sent home from I* early today. Luis saved my ass because my computer was acting FUNKY and not funky ha ha but funky queer. Turns out I'd had the lock key on so all my function keys weren't functioning right if they were functioning at all! I was googling all sorts of shit. They told me to trash my preferences and check my keyboard and check my language, etc.

Finally, Luis just stood over my keyboard and asked what the "lock" key was. I told him that would be way too easy of a remedy. Of course it was. It fixed everything right off. I was almost near tears over it and then I kept kissing his ass and telling him how happy I was. It was just awful. It slowed my productivity considerably. It was just awful.

It was photo shoot day so there was a breakfast and a lunch. M*ia screwed up our order so I had to wait for my steak sandwich. It was good but extremely messy which I don't like. I like neat food. I hate having to reach for my napkin after every bite I take. All sandwiches are not created equal.

Now I'm all flushed because there were tomatoes in the sandwich. When will I ever learn? It's not like it hurts or anything, but it's about a 1% on the discomfort scale. Enough that I notice it every now and again and hope it goes away soon. Whatever. Poor me. It's not like I'm even that into tomatoes. I mean, I like them, but I don't love them. I could easily pick them off any sandwich or salad. But, I put myself through this misery on a daily basis. So it goes. I'm a fool.

I'm doing okay these days. Okay is the correct word. I'm not tap dancing through the streets like Gene Kelly. I'm also not standing on top of a building looking down like the statue installment in Madison Square Park right now. (That's super eerie I must admit).

Last night, I attended the 6:15 service at the Marble church on Fifth avenue. What a great church; it's very gay friendly. Funny how there are so many different churches. Jesus loves everyone: the pedophiles, the tax men, the homosexuals, etc. I get it. It's not a zero-sum game. It's not "I win you lose." It's "we all win." Why is that so difficult a concept? But, no one has ever fucked me over.

That said, it's difficult to judge others. I keep thinking that about Arizona. How can we judge them when they're up to their eyeballs in people who legally don't belong? San Francisco has a ton of homeless and I think they should indulge in some draconian practices to thin out the ranks a bit. Others from other states could say that's cruel, but damn it! SF's gotta do something! It's really out of control. Easy to point fingers.

Starbucks Gift Cards

I've got my ipod all loaded up with books; I have too many on there right now. I have Gone with the Wind, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Casino Royale, Some self-help crap about happiness, and Jane Eyre. They're all good but I'm going to be glad when TTOWF is over. It's not a stinker but it's not the best the Bronte sisters ever churned out.

Best to think of the future. Or, better yet, be mindful of what is in front of me. I have my delicious Starbucks beans coffee. People keep giving me big Starbucks gift certificates. I got a $50 card from mom for my birthday! Whoa! That's a nice gift. :) And I got another one in the mail out of nowhere. I wonder if that was supposed to be a gift but there was no note attached. I feel terrible.

There Are So Many Things that Need Doing in the World

Last night, I wrote in my journal for the first time in months/years. It makes me anxious how little I've changed over the years. It fills me with sadness to know that the rest of my life will be filled with the same concerns I've had for years. Four years ago, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I was here in the Bronx. I'm still in the Bronx and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. What am I working toward? I always get sad when I leave the West Coast. I need a back scratch.

I really need to find God. Problem is, he doesn't talk to me. It's like he's some passive ear--maybe I should read more Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. I was reading my Onion lists book and they had a bit on Kurt Vonnegut. It made me tear up. What an amazing man. I'm so glad I wrote him and I'm so glad he wrote me back!! My postcard is one of my most-prized possessions. Good for me it's a postcard.

I will run and finish my book the Tenant of Wildfell Hall. I don't think I ever need to read it again. I don't know how I feel about the characters. I didn't like the main female character but now that I've heard her side of the story, it's all right. Man, there are so many things that need doing in the world.


I went to Portland and back and didn't really get online much while there. Mom and dad get their wireless connection from the cafe downstairs: Via Delizia. Saturday night, my birthday, we all went there for dinner. Dad and I got the same delicious pasta dish and mom and Jill got some stuff.

Man, did I have a good trip out there. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Dad picked me up at the airport and I was put up on the third floor. Jill came by for dinner? I can't remember what we had. Something mom made I'm sure. She made a birthday cake of yellow cake with pink frosting--but there wasn't enough frosting so we turned that side to the wall. Jill got a really funny photograph and I'm going to make it into a print.

On Monday morning, dad had to make a trade for a client and then we hit the road in the new car. It's an Audi and I'm campaigning to call her "Gretta." But she'll probably just be the Audi till the day she goes to the scrap heap. She's got quite a computer system so we spent the whole time going up to Oregon playing with the knobs and buttons. Turns out we have Sirius satellite radio for 3 months so we switched back and forth from the 50s radio to the 60s radio and sang along to most of the tunes. What a good time!

We stopped in Corning at the Olive Pit; I got dried mango slices. I bought dad some barbecue almonds. We also stopped in Willows at the Starbucks and had delicious drinks. Man! They always do a good job at the Willows Starbucks.

We stopped in Dunsmuir for lunch and had some delicious sandwiches. Very good. You can still get a house in Dunsmuir for about $79,000 (marked down from $100,000). Too funny. What a sad "downtown."

The condo was very nice. I had a great time hanging out with mom and dad. And then we picked up Jill on Wednesday?

What else did we do? Mom and I went to go see the Pittock mansion. It had an all right view. Most of the furniture was not original to the house but had been donated. They did a good job with the upkeep and the pieces were fantastic. It was worth the $16 I paid for both mom and myself.

Every morning, dad would walk to the nearby Safeway and get coffee and the Wall Street journal for us. That was the best part of the morning. We ate a lot and sat around a lot. On my birthday, dad and I walked to the Dock side inn? I forget what it was called. We had the eggs Benedict. It was where Tanya Harding et. al. got rid of a lot of evidence. Never cut corners! We went back to the condo and watched Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. That afternoon, we walked to Powell's bookstore where I bought a copy of Trollope's The Warden and a paperback of Ian Fleming's Casino Royale.

Packing for Portland

My mouth tastes like ass. I went to the KeyFood to buy some sandwich fixins for the plane tomorrow. I got a couple hoagie rolls and a three pack of lunch meats. I hope it's enough. I was suckered into a package of Archway Frosty Lemon cookies on the way out. They were on sale and I'm already half-way through them. Puke. I think I need some "real" food. I've got that crappy mouth that comes from eating too much sugar and fat and not enough good stuff. I should brush my teeth. ugh.

I'm amazed at how little I've gotten accomplished today. I ran today for 47 minutes so that's good. I went to the grocery store and picked up my laundry. I'm about 80% packed. I'm trying to pack light and it's spring so it's not like I gotta pack tons of shit. I have the feeling the real packing will happen tomorrow. I'll forget something.

This morning, I was a little sad. I kept thinking things like, "What's the point?" and "Where am I headed?" etc. when I kind of stood back mentally and realized what was going on. Just calling attention to the thoughts made me feel better. It was cloudy this morning. I listened to Gone With the Wind on my way to the track. Mom called from her cell phone.

I asked her what she was doing and she said she was driving around with my father looking for me. I told her that my flight wasn't until tomorrow and the best place to look for me would probably be at the airport instead of just randomly driving around. I love how we joke. :) I guess she's getting excited for me to come home. I'm getting excited! Everyone asks if I'm excited about my trip. I say yes for the trip but no to the travel. Although I think it'll be okay. I have my good book and a ton of magazines arrived for me today: Womens Health, The Economist, and Businessweek. Well, Bloomberg's Businessweek.

It's raining a little bit out now. I can see some rain on the window. I like being inside and warm and safe. I'll always be inside and warm and safe. That's a nice thought. I'll always have a nice, warm, safe inside. It almost brings tears to my eyes. :)

I'm going to have to set the alarm for three o'clock. I don't forsee a ton of sleep tonight. That's fine. I'll set five alarms. I remember the one time I did oversleep which was so weird! I slept until about fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave the house! Of course, it would have all been fine if the trains had run my way, but they didn't. I ended up getting out at Grand Central and catching a cab. It was expensive but it was worth it for my mental health.

I didn't do any marketing today. I suppose I have a couple more hours in the day. I could throw an hour that way. I just frittered the day away on facebook and nonsense like that. I hate myself! It's the worst. At least I did my run and now I'm doing my 750 words. I wonder if I'll do any of it when I get to Portland. Will we all just fight over the computers with nothing to do? I should get a guidebook or something. I suppose I could do a little reading up on Portland tonight. What the heck to see.

I wonder if they have any historical houses to see. I'll bet they do. Maybe a grand house or two. A Hysterical marker. Laura says she wants to come down to NYC and go to Teddy Roosevelt's house--where he was born. Yeah, we should do that.

I just looked up houses. There's one house. Phoey! Weren't there any rich people in Portland?! Guess not. They've got an art museum I have to check out: PAM. Ha! :) I'm looking at their website and it looks like they might have some good stuff. :) I packed my art lens in my bag. Must remember to pack the camera, eh? That wouldn't do.

CARTOON: Tea Parties: What a Difference 237 Years Makes

CARTOON: Tea Parties: What a Difference 237 Years Makes: "Tony Auth's take on the difference between hostility toward taxes then and now:

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What do you do when your best days are behind you?

I have to pack. I have to pull the suitcase out from under the bed and put it on top of the bed and start putting things into it. I dropped off some laundry today and will pick it up tomorrow after one o'clock. The white chick was working at the laundromat today. Every now and then there are a couple white chicks who work there. I assume they're the owner. They always want to know if I want to pay in advance. When I do that, no one cancels it out of the computer and it's left there forever until another white chick is there to cancel it out. It's frustrating. Poor me!

I went to the library today and got a book on Truman Capote written/put together by George Plimpton. Father of Martha Plimpton who I had a big resentment against because she was banging River Phoenix that hot piece of ass. May he rest in peace.

What do you do when your best days are behind you? What's the second act? Do you devote yourself to your pottery? I guess you go to Africa and get photographed with starving orphans. That's what I'd do. I'd just travel and live in other countries if I had tons of dough.

I finished the rest of my pumpkin pie

I finished the rest of my pumpkin pie. I was so sad when I finished the last piece. :( It made me want to run out and get ingredients for a new pie. That pie was my little child! It was my creation. And if I can feel that way about a pie! Imagine me with a child or a dog?

I did something that blew me away. On my way home from the library, I allowed myself to go into the bakery near Crosby and buy a cookie. I went in and couldn't decide on what I wanted, so I left!!!! A lot of times, I get one of the big marble cookies and it's too much for me. Which is really weird because cookies are never enough for me! Speaking of which, I think I probably have ingredients for cookies right now if I wanted.

I was futzing with my Jane Eyre mp3s all day when I realized I'd never copied disc six! How will I ever know what happens? I've read the book at least three times in my life. I'm sure I'd be able to figure it out. I know more than two times. I wonder if it's been as much as four or five? How many times have I read the Fountainhead? I don't know. Once in college. Once in New York City. I think each time I read it, it makes more and more sense. I just didn't have the knowledge or context to process it before. Like the first time I picked up Gone with the Wind in the sixth grade. It bored the crap out of me because I had no idea what any of them were talking about!

Clowns Who Drag Weighted Bags Around

Today I went to Pelham Bay Park Track and old-lady yelled at some clowns who were dragging a weighted bag around. On my first lap, I noticed dark tracks in the field--the expensive field. I thought to myself, "Okay, do I say something or not say something and then obsess over it for the rest of my work out?" I decided on the former. I hate obsessing. Sometimes it's easier for me to say something than to not say something.

So on my next lap, I idly jogged over and nicely said I saw a lot of tracks in the field and hoped they weren't ruining it in any way. The "coach" grunted that it was "fine." Okay then! Proceed! Perhaps they were just pulling the bag against the knap. Either way, I kind of felt better just saying something. Let them sort out their consciences. Then I ran around with a sort of glee at myself for saying something. I'm pretty cool today. In my own opinion.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art

I was reading a book on the MET last night by Michael Gross. The introduction was interesting but the rest of it was just "and then this happened....and then this happened...." which I find dull in non-fiction books. Yeah, there's got to be some magic to a non-fiction book or else it's just dates and names. Boring. What makes a good non-fiction book? I don't know. I never read them.

I guess the MET really is financed by private money and subsidized heavily by the city of New York. I didn't know to the extent. Well, I suppose I shouldn't look down on people who pay the minimum anymore (although I think secretly I still will).

Pre Fab Green Energy Efficient Structural Insulated Panel Cottages :: Cottage in a Day®

Pre Fab Green Energy Efficient Structural Insulated Panel Cottages :: Cottage in a Day®

These are surprisingly big. I wish I knew what lake to build one of these on the shores of.

You insult me and my intelligence!

Asking some teenagers to focus on school work is like asking some adults to focus on things when they're hungry and need to go to the bathroom. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork. I'd rather have thought about anything else.

Just hungry. I had a piece of peanut butter toast and a good slice of pie this morning but that's no good. Still a rumbling in the tummy. I hate the word "tummy." I hate the word and I hate "veggie." Bleah. I hate it when magazines use it. Say "vegetables!" How can you claim to be the journalistic elite and use kindergarten words?! You insult me and my intelligence!

The latest Vanity Fair is a travesty too. I should write them a letter. They've gone very low this time with a piece on Tiger Wood's pieces.

Too much nutmeg can ruin any pumpkin pie for sure.

I'm baking a pumpkin pie. I've made the no-roll pie crust that mom makes but I just used a can of Libby's. I didn't even use the plain stuff but got the mix with the sugar and spices within. I'm lazy in some respects. Why do I have to put in the right amount of cinnamon and sugar when they've refined it? The only thing I worry about is too much nutmeg. Too much nutmeg can ruin any pumpkin pie for sure.

Jezebel had their March Madness Pie off. They put pies versus cake and cheese cake won. I'm pretty surprised at that. You'd think it would be apple or chocolate cake but no. Cheese cake is not my favorite dessert but I'll eat it in a pinch. I find it monotonous. I know that every food is monotonous in its own way, but that's the only word I can think of to describe cheesecake.

I hope this pie turns out okay. I put it in for about 15 minutes longer than it said to but it was just so mushy on the top. Well, the knife came out relatively clean so I guess it should be okay. It cooks a bit after it comes out. I always tell mom that. She's always heavily browning cookies.

It's so lovely in the apartment today. I went for my run and they threw away my bottle of water AGAIN!! Lucky for me they've turned on the water fountains again. I guess it got close to ninety yesterday! Whew! I was running around in it in the early morning.

Old Friends

I'm tired today. I took an earlier train than usual back from Connecticut. Typically, I come back in the early afternoon, but I was put on the 12:15 p.m. train and I was ready. Laura came down on Friday night and I met up with her at first Soho meeting. I got there a little late. She was sitting with Felicia. While we were sitting there, Dave B. came in. He figured it out that he hadn't seen her in ten years. She left in 2002. I got a couple great shots of them at Tre Giovanni. Does Dave B. take a bad picture?

911 Is a Joke In Your Town

911 is a joke in your town. I love this Public Enemy song. Get up and get down. This is a good album with some real stand-out tracks.

I went through some CL listings. Man, just searching for a job is depressing as fuck. Ugh. It makes me want to dive into bed and pull the covers over my head. What the hell am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Bleah!

I put my hair in french braids. I haven't done that in awhile. My hair is rarely long enough anymore to do it. The long hair with blunt-cut bangs seems to be in these days. It's like the silk spectre in The Watchmen movie.

Subways stations have the new lighted boards up telling you when the next train's gonna come. In the olden days, we just wondered! :) They should put the signs outside the stations so you know when you have to run or not: not inside the stations when you've already paid your fare and are trapped.

Butterbeans and Susie are silly. I have two of their CDs and all of their songs sound exactly alike. Although I do like them. I had a cassette tape of Bessie Smith and I wore that fucker out.

The only people happy in this world are the unibombers living alone.

I'm trying to cut back on my eating. Yesterday and today I only had one piece of peanut butter toast. Yesterday, I went to the Broadway Cafe on Fifth for lunch. I went to the cold buffet and spent about $5.50 on all sorts of delicious things. And I forced myself to sit there and eat slowly and carefully and put down my plastic ware between bites. I spent 27 minutes (by my ipod) eating that amount of food. And I was full! I got full because I didn't bolt it down. In fact, I left a boiled egg for last and only ate the white parts. I suppose that's the most fatty and evil part.

For dinner, I got a slice of pizza and ate that slowly and surely. That got cold and greasy and unappetizing pretty quickly, but I finished it because I knew that was that. And it was filling too. I'm going to keep trying this small portions and slow eating. Maybe I can lose a little of the 8 pounds I've put on this year. Of course, that 8 pounds is the only thing that's keeping me from finding true love! It's not my terrible personality or my flat chest!

Ran today. It was warm and sunny at the track. Sometimes it gets too warm and I have to be careful. I get overheated and my bowels go into retreat. That happened to me last year and I ended up starting to run at night.

My back's killing me. I had one of those patented back cramps that lasts for days. It happened while I was at the KeyFood the other day. I was carrying home two heavy bags of groceries. But that's probably a coincidence. It just happens; it doesn't matter when. I remember when it once happened in quick succession, I got one and then another one the next day. That was the worst! Two nights ago, I couldn't sleep that well because every time I moved or tried to roll over, I'd have shooting pain in my body that would wake me up. Last night was a little better, but not much.

Yesterday, I had a realization that I need to get a real job. It just struck me. I need to get one of those fucking tablet things that everyone swears by. I'm sure once I use one for awhile, I'll swear by it too. Fucking cult of tablet!

I wasn't angry this morning when I was running around at the track. I noticed that. Typically, I'm pissy about something. Today, I was having very neutral thoughts. I can tell it's good if I'm thinking about celebrities or literature or movies or things like that. Things that don't matter at all. I wonder if it's because I didn't have ANYTHING to eat this morning. Typically, I have a cup of coffee and a couple Hershey's kisses. But I hadn't had anything since six o'clock the evening before.

I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm not doing the things I'm supposed to be doing: I'm not buying or renovating a house, I don't have a real job, I don't have a husband or children or even a dog or a plant. Am I part of the solution or am I part of the problem? I guess everyone has thoughts like these--but different. If they have a house, they wonder if they wasted their money. If they have a spouse, they compare and despair with other spouses. If they have children they compare and despair also. Everyone has his or her secret hell that s/he's not willing to admit to in any forum. You move up a level and it's just more problems.

I'm such an asshole sometimes. The only people happy in this world are the uni-bombers living alone.