I ate out twice yesterday; I really wanted a regular/old dish for lunch so had the steak and guacamole combination plate at the Chinese tex-mex place. The guacamole was terrible so I ate little of it; but I concentrated on the most-nutritious parts of the meal: the steak, the beans and the salad. I left the guacamole and a lot of the rice. Rice is a waste of time. It feels good to be healthy!
Last night, before my volunteer commitment, I got a deli sandwich. Lo-fat tuna salad on 7-grain bread with no dressing. Of course they had pastry samples and of course I had to have a couple! I'm not a saint. :)
The Burrito Supreme was a chicken fresco: 340 calories and very filling.
I ate a lot of brown and white food yesterday: actually, the orange and the egg and the peanuts are non processed. The only processed foods are the yogurt and lunch meats and bread.
I weighed myself yesterday: 135.5 or something similar. I can't remember the exact number. My scale is digital and it only works in the bathroom--so I have to carry it in there every day before my shower.
I'll doubt I'll have lost a pound after my month-long experiment of taking pictures of food. I refuse to go hungry. The point is to stuff my maw with healthy foods instead of unhealthy!
I read a blind item yesterday that points to Gwyneth Paltrow being a big bulimic. I refuse to go there. Refuse. Life is too short.
So it goes.
Last night, F and I walked to a Mexican restaurant in East Harlem and I had the enchiladas. It was the cheapest thing on the menu. I guess I could have ordered something healthier. She just ordered the rice and beans. Oy!
I did have a cappuccino that I didn't take a picture of. And I told her that our diets were verboten; no food talk!
I was back up to 137 yesterday; the bloat goes up and the bloat goes down.
I went to a meeting and they had cookies and candy and I can't believe I didn't have any; mainly because I couldn't whip out a camera and start taking pictures so just eschewed it. It was just chips ahoy and nonsense like that.
Afterward, I went out with some people and got the cheapest thing on the menu: a Boca Burger with sweet potato fries. It was something I would have ordered anyway. Maybe I didn't need to eat the whole thing. I sat next to a thin Asian chick who picked at her food.
I wish I could pick at my food.
Roommate made scones last night after I went to bed and there are three in the kitchen now. Scones aren't a big problem for me (chocolate chip cookies would be or muffins). I'll definately have one!
I have an interview with a temp agency today for possible placement at an ad agency. I don't have high hopes. These things never work out. But it's important to leave the house and be in the world. I really have to make leaving the house a priority.
You can't always get what you want: but if you try sometimes you just might find you can get what you need.
That doesn't mean much here but it's what's on the stereo now.
I really like taking pictures of everything I eat and using my photoshop first thing in the morning. :)
I'm not hating on myself so much anymore. Yesterday, I was back down to an all right 135 something.
My friend F is coming to visit me today and we're going to walk to City Island for sea food at Johnny's Reef. Yay!
I haven't run in days--mainly because of working and also because of this terrible heat wave. It's a real drag running around in the heat and sun. Also, that weight-loss diaries book just got to me. What's the point? What's the point?!
Two-egg breakfast sandwich
Bag of peanuts
Minestrone soup (Homemade)
Cup of non-fat plain yogurt (with honey)
Lunch-meat sandwich on diet bread (no fat)
Mug of butter pecan ice cream (I obsess over it until I have some!)
Also, for dinner, had a Chicken Burrito supreme Fresco from Taco Bell. I think they're going to be my new junk food place of choice. That and the ?Subway sandwiches!
Then, in the late afternoon, I was craving sweets, so polished off the rest of the ice cream and was still hungry. So I just ate peanut butter on rice cakes until I was full. Problem solved.
I had a slice of pizza for dinner. Other than the luncheon meat sandwich, I'm seeing a lot of carbs. *sigh*
Just can get my butt in gear this morning. Didn't have the AC on last night so didn't sleep fantastic. Not poorly but not great either.
I'm up to 136.5 today. And I didn't run. It began to pour around dawn and off and on all morning. Now that I know that exercise has shit-all to do with weight loss, why kill myself? I'm feeling a little down; haven't heard from photography studio. I sent them a friendly thank-you email yesterday. I can't help but think I would have heard something back by now if they were interested. *sigh* Oh well. I didn't think I had much of a shot anyway. I'm full of anxiety over work.
Last night, I was reading The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West and I ended up throwing it in the recycle bin. I hated it! I don't know why it's a classic: maybe it's the ending but I didn't get to it. Nightmarish. I hate reads where everyone's a grifter or someone who is about to be taken by a grifter. I hate characters I can't relate to and I didn't relate to any of them. I can't believe that people were just completely different in 1939. Can't believe it. I hate worlds that are just full of misery and no joy. That's what it was like in that book Looking for Mr. Goodbar. That was a miserable book.
I need a world with a little happiness. I need a world with a little joy and stability. After I finish this, I'm going to do a little marketing and then I'll try to do a little maths. I only did a half hour last night and I spent the whole time on one problem. I really had no idea what the hell they were talking about in the Graphs chapter so I started from the beginning. I had to do the same thing with the functions chapter. I didn't know what they were talking about. Beat it! Beat it!
I'm also trying to get rid of those caffeine-free regular Pepsis I bought many weeks ago. I hate that I keep doing that! I have a couple left to go. They're so delicious but so unnecessary!
I decided not to run so much today. I've been listening to the Weight Loss Diaries by Courtney Rubin and she's running marathons and she's 180 and not losing a pound. When I started running, I didn't lose a pound. I'm running now and I'm not losing a pound. Exercise means nothing without the calorie restriction to make it work. And there's just so far I'm willing to go. I'm not willing to go to any length to look like Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie. I'm not willing to be in starvation mode. Maybe if someone was paying me millions of dollars to be in movies, but they're not.
Still downloading. Had my peanut butter toast and now want some more. I've got some beans soaking on the stove. I don't have much to do today besides work on this image. I'm sure it'll go fine. They like my work. I do good work! It's rainy out: I'm looking out on the afternoon rain. It used to be so uninspired. I'm actually in a good mood today and I don't know what's different. I had a pseudo job interview yesterday with a photography studio. I need to send them an email today telling them thank them again for meeting with me. I guess they're meeting several people. He seemed very uncomfortable. I had a little meeting mouth but I don't care that much. He's an "artist" so must have some angst too. It's not like I was meeting with the Board of Goldman Sachs (God forbid).
I left there and went up to a Synagogue up on 85th and Lexington. It was a full meeting with a round robin. No qualification: just sharing. I liked that. I even kicked off the sharing cuz I was in such a good mood. I can't believe how long it's taken me to discover upper East Side meetings. I mean, they're a straight shot down the 6 line! I barely have to stumble off the train. I'm not into 79th street work shop because that's a little bit of a haul. These are right on or near Lexington. I have no excuse!
So, yeah, I'm going to make a big pot of soup today. I have the soup starter and everything. I'll all all the odds and ends I have lying around the apartment. I have all the frozen vegetables from the freezer from the Key Food salads. I'll add the beans for hardiness.
So now it's finished downloading. I'll work on the image. I'll put on the comedy stuff because that's what I like to listen to. I'll do it on random and I'll laugh and listen to comedy mp3s. Today, I downloaded some mp3 merge software and merged a Michael Connolly book, the Lincoln Lawyer. Boy, I would have made a lousy secretary during Mad Men times. I'm a crappy typist!
Third night in a row for ice cream. I have it and have to get rid of it! A small mug a night won't kill me. Eating a lot of small handfulls of peanuts while I wait for something to cook.
Had the naked tofu burger. Health food stores are awesome. They've got those pre-packaged sandwiches which are great little meals.
I finished listening to the Weight-loss diaries by Courtney Rubin yesterday. She ran 18-mile marathons while 180 or something. I can barely jog 45 minutes. I guess my running really has nothing to do with it. Even if I were to quit running, I'd probably stay the same weight. She ran marathons and was 190 or something. I guess running does not equal thin. But she said she was binging all the time: she didn't go into her binging and how much she ate, though.
Yes, weight-loss is a bitch. Yesterday, I stepped on the scale: 135. All right I guess. The day before it had been 136.
I don't know how many calories I consumed. I'm listening to the Weight-Loss diaries and am really enjoying them. It's rare that I want to keep reading a book.
I don't really know where I'm going with this eating different. I'm in a healthy BMI so I can't say I'm unhealthy. I just want to look like I used to look when I weighed 128. That's all! I was 128 less than a year ago and want to go back to that. And I'm going to see if I can do it.
I started listening to a book last night, The Weight-Loss Diaries by Courtney Rubin. It's interesting. I can see her madness and I want to avoid that in myself. I don't want to go crazy starving and binging.
Kinda cranky this morning. Not on the phone with my mother thank god. I've got the air conditioning on in my room. I should fire up the maths, but it's on functions right now and I don't know if I ever learned functions! At first, I had no idea what they were talking about in the Algebra book, but then I got the gist of it. It's like a formula. If x is this, then y is that. I know I have it wrong, but it makes sense to me that way. I have to start from the beginning again. And I'm kind of hungry even though I just polished off two tiny pieces of peanut butter toast with no jelly. There's the evil bit. I'm sure some day it's the bread that will be the evil bit. It's the evil bit now depending on who you ask.
I just should get used to not eating anything but diet coke and apples. And that makes me feel guilty because they're not that great either. All those fruits have the sugar. The evil sugar. Basically, I'm supposed to eat steak and salad. That's it! Just steak and salad. Maybe some beans. I like beans.
Boy, this dieting sure gets my mind of a lot of other crap. My career? Who gives a damn? I'm hungry! My dating? Who gives a crap? I'm starving! I'm doing it for these fools and they want nothing to do with me anyway.
I'll try this for a month and see where it gets me. 30 days. I can surely diet for 30 days. It won't kill me. I suppose diet soda is my friend, but I hate to wash the contents of my stomach out before they've had their turn. Then, I'm just hungry. I've learned that.
I have to do some work today. First, I'll do some maths and get it over with. Might as well do it now when I have some food in my stomach. I thought it was supposed to rain today, but I keep waiting. I rushed out to the track to run around but perhaps the big rain cloud over Jersey took a turn for the north. That's fine: it's looking dark out there.
Was talking to mom and dad this morning. Last night, I got to thinking of the old Italian restaurant that dad used to take me and Jill to in Chicago: the Italian Village. It was like a Mediterranean scene on the inside. I thought they did a good job when I was a kid. Always a balmy, Mediterranean night at the Italian Village. I always wanted a table in one of the "houses" but that never happened. My dream never came true!! I suppose that was a good childhood memory.
I ate more because the hunger really started to kick in. Finally all the crap I ate over Fourth of July weekend was no longer making itself known.
Running: 45 minutes
Running: 45 minutes
I asked them if they were the reason my cable was out and they said it should be back up in about an hour. Well, it wasn't so I just turned off the computer.
Anyway, the computer didn't get switched on until this morning. Client had lit up my inbox with a bunch of stuff--including an image that was top priority. We talked on the phone and I went out for my run. It was hot hot hot at the track. There had been a big downpour. Instead of cooling off, though, it just made it like a sauna out there. I was running around in a sauna.
When I was walking home from the library yesterday, I called mom but she wasn't home. I ended up talking to Dad for 16 minutes! And it wasn't even my birthday or his birthday or Father's Day!
Anyway, I told him I was running and he told me he'd run at my age. He also said to run (not jog) the last lap to really do some good. So I did. Today, I ran the last lap instead of just old-lady jogging like I typically do. We'll see what happens tomorrow and how I feel.
I worked on this big board of directors photograph for client. I did a good job. I sent the image off to him and he called me to tell me I was fantastic. :) That's the kind of feedback I like. I did do a good job. I switched faces and removed stands and covered AstroTurf with real grass. :)
I'm going to head out of here around five. Last night, I was pretty hungry even though I'd had a salad, etc. beforehand. I never eat enough now. I'm always hungry. The first couple days were a gift. Now I'm hungry because of the exercising. I'm no longer running on reserves. My stomach is never full. I suppose I should have a real meal instead of just grazing. I had one burrito instead of two.
Anyway, I stopped at the Subway and had a grilled chicken sandwich they said had about 300 calories or some such nonsense. I had it with cheese (more calories) but without condiments like mayo. It was pretty good. I liked that I payed with my credit card. I just need to get some rolls and some lunch meat slices. Those are pretty good.
I'm hungry right now. In situations like this, I should just eat peanut butter sandwiches until the hunger subsides. I just had one but maybe I'll have another. I need to get rid of that iced cream in the freezer. Maybe I'll have a half-cup a night until it's gone. That's the serving size. Now I understand why it's a no no. There's really no nutritional value. It's best just to avoid desserts altogether instead of trying to control them.
I was pretty hungry last night so had the sandwich at Subway. It was pretty good. And under 400 calories ish.
I went to Long Island this past weekend and it was a wake up call on a couple fronts. I wasn't invited to A's party and I've felt like a d-lister ever since. A big, fat, social zero. And then I looked at a picture taken of me and I'm thick. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. I'm definately thick. I'm built like my Grandmother which isn't a terrible thing: she's tall and pretty well-built. I look like my Grandfather and I'm built like my Grandmother.
I immediately threw away the enormous chocolate bar roommate had given to me. The next day, I took a picture of everything I ate before I ate it. No sugar or processed foods (or few of them). I think I started the day with an Ensure. Today is the first day I actually ran because we've been having a heat wave. It was 100!! in the city on Tuesday. Today, it's down to 90--a blessed relief! I was able to run. It was pretty humid out and it began to rain so I was soaked a bit when I got back to the house.
Anyway, when I look back on all the crap I eat. Especially this weekend. There wasn't a piece of cake or pie or cookie that I didn't enjoy. Boy do I love my carbs! And I feel it. I have to start watching what I eat. I'm 37!
I hope I don't become one of those annoying people who talk about their diets all the time. I'm going to try not to do the calorie counting thing. That's what the photographs are for.
I've done a couple chores for today; I've run at the track and I've made some black beans. I have to go to the library and pick up some laundry at the AA laundry--the sister store to the WW. They're located across from the grocery store. At first, I was annoyed that it was no longer on the way to the train, but now I can see the upside. It's across the street from the grocery store so I'll be more apt to go there after dropping off the laundry. I hate going to the grocery store and I don't know why. It's not like it's super out of the way, but it's really kind of out of the way. It's not close to either station.
I have to do some math today, although I worry about doing it hungry. I should probably eat a decent meal and then tuck into the math. I get discouraged and distracted if I'm hungry. Although I'm doing okay right now. I was depressed yesterday, but I wonder if that's just cuz my body isn't having any sugar.
I'm trying to get down to 130--even though I no longer have a scale. I threw away the one I had around here. I think ex boyfriend stepped on it and it was never the same. Never the same.
I'm amazed at how "little" I can eat to get along. I thought I ate tons and tons but this little amount of food got me by. The apples are huge; they're about a pound each. I found them at the Union Square farmer's market. They were tasteless but filling.