The baby is sleeping: blessedly. She had a cranky yesterday and a cranky morning. Nothing would please her this morning: I changed her diaper, gave her food, put her in the walker, on the floor, toys, etc. Finally, when she started to rub her eyes, I nursed her to sleep. Let's hope it works a little.

I'm sitting here with wet hair; I need to do some things while the baby sleeps but I also wanted to do a little writing. So much going on. So much to beat myself up over. The nonni went to Menton this morning for a couple days. They'll return on Thursday evening. So, it's just me and the baby like old times. We've gotten out of sync. I've forgotten her schedule and she's not used to seeing my ugly mug all day long. Watching a baby is like spinning a top; you can only do so much before you have to go over and spin the thing again. I can do some housework and things while watching the baby, but when she's fussy like this morning: forget it. I can only deal with the baby.

My house is a little messy; we just got the amazon package from the post office. That reminds me that I have to buy some special mailing paper if I can. So I can write letters. I can't go to school for three days: which makes me sad. Not that I'm crazy about school, but I need to learn Italian and I need to get out of the house and I need to socialize with other people besides Giovanni and his family. I'm lucky enough to have skype in order to talk to my mother for a good hour or so every other day if not every day. I need it. Perhaps I'm not practicing Italian enough. Some days it seems like I'm really on the ball, and other days it seems like I just spit out random words that don't string together in a sentence. I told Giovanni last night and he knew what I was talking about.

It's nice that he went through all this first so on one hand he's very sympathetic to my plight: on the other hand, he came through on the other side, so suffers from hindsight bias. He got through it, and he didn't think it was that hard, so I should be able to do it just as easily. We forget how difficult things were when we were going through them. Just like we forget what it's like to be hungry when we're full and likewise.

We quarrel about little things; the electricity is higher than the states, so we can only run washes at night and off hours. This morning, when the alarm went off, I raced over to the washing machine and did a load. Giovanni didn't like that because it wasn't full but it's his thing that we can't do it in the middle of the day so we'll just keep fighting about it I guess. We both want things done our own way and there's little compromise. Or, it always seems (to me) that I'm the only one who compromises.

Poor me! After a nursing session, I can really get angry and down. I have to run into the kitchen and have something sugary to eat. But I have to keep asking myself: what would my life be like if I'd never met Giovanni? We were discussing it last night at the dinner table; I have no idea why my husband still loves me much less talks to me it always seems like I'm a raging bitch. I might still be at 3609 Broadway. Probably. Probably! In that shitty apartment! I'd still be doing online dating! Oh God. Yuck. Online dating was such a necessary evil; I hope I never have to do it again but I'm only one ski accident or heart attack away from it.

750 Words still thinks I live in New York and am doing this at 4:22 in the morning. Oh well. I suppose I could change my preferences. They're all over the map depending on what website I'm on or what app I'm using. Maybe today I'll make some fudge. I need to try that recipe from the New York Times. I can't make mom's fudge because it calls for marshmallow fluff. Something impossible to find in Italy or I could find it at great cost.

I'm glad for this moment of calm.  I hope after her nap the baby is better.


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