Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

I did a lot of hidden eating yesterday: stuff I didn't report. I don't know why I report this stuff. It does help a little bit. If I feel I've had a big carb-o-rific day I can cut back a little bit the next. Last night, I was starving. I was in the kitchen, standing over the frozen cookie dough with a spoon thinking, "This isn't good...this isn't good..." Sister was at home making home made pasta.

No running today. God, I just can't get my ass in gear in the mornings. Not even for a half-hour run. Good thing I don't belong to a regular gym. I'd never go. Yeah, I think it's just walking or running for me. I must remember that: I can always go for a walk.

Sometimes I get so down on myself for all the stuff I don't get accomplished. WTF is wrong with me. I never do all the things I want to do when I'm running around the track. I'm always thinking about all the stuff I should do and then I come home and never do them. I end up just trolling recipe websites because I'm obsessed with food now that I'm in starvation mode. Like I said, I finally understand starlets and their hell. Maybe I should take up smoking and adderall.

At ten thirty, I'm meeting friend and we're going to have lunch. Then, we're going to walk around her neighborhood until she has some big shin dig with friends or old co-workers at the Heartland Brewery at the Empire State Building. I'm going to head north and see other friend at two o'clock.

I have to finish the power book by Saturday because someone has requested it. I wonder if I can do that. Last night, I just looked a recipe websites. There are some things I can and feel like making and some that I don't. A lot of pasta recipes. Yes, pasta is easy but it's really like just eating sugar. I have to remember that. I might as well just eat cookies. I should be eating beans. Pasta is special occasion. Not every day. I should be eating beans and salad every day. I should be eating avocado, boiled eggs, salad, beans, and pearled barley. I like all those things. Why can't I be happy. I should have fully non-processed food days. Two rations of everything.

Oh, I give up. I just don't have it in me today. I'm sad because the New York Times is disappearing behind a pay wall tomorrow. One more vestige I'll never see again. Why must life be so difficult? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

Death and Taxes

Sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I did my taxes wrong. I plugged in the wrong numbers in investments and owed way too much. Of course, I goofed up and already submitted my taxes so now I have to call in the experts. I'm waiting for Turbotax to call so I can amend my taxes. The good news I don't owe half as much as I thought I owed. :) That's lucky. So, I can afford the tax advice. It's still a bargain.

It'll be nice to get it off my desk. I was sitting in a lot of pain, anxiety and angst this week.

I prayed and prayed to God for it to be lifted. I guess it was finally lifted this morning. I feel great. I felt great running around the track. Right now, I'd love to leave the apartment and drop off my laundry and maybe go to the grocery store but I'm waiting for Turbo Tax.

Last night, I met a woman who shared about being laid off. I gave her my phone number. I asked her if she liked Vegetarian food because I wanted to go to this place in Chinatown and am willing to treat her. So, maybe I'll ask her out for Tuesday evening. That would work for me.

I do believe in fundamental psychological shifts. One day booze is the answer to all of life's problems and the next day it's the cause of all of life's problems. Thank you there to the Simpsons.

I'm listening to a Daily Show audio book right now called Earth. It's pretty funny. It was a free download from the NYPL. I'm also reading a book by Greene called The 48 Laws of Power. It's amazing. I'm learning all sorts of terrible Machiavellian things. How to have and wield power. Keep my mouth shut and kiss ass. That's pretty much it. Well, those are a couple. Don't choose sides.

Sister just called and I explained the situation to her a little bit. I said I wanted to get off the phone, though, to keep the lines clear. I hate transferring between phone calls when I'm on the cell phone. I'm always afraid I'll hang up on both parties. I don't want to do that now.

So, it's been almost an hour and I'm still waiting for the tax pros to call me. Said it would be an hour and they have five minutes left. Bastards! They need to hire more people for Saturday morning! That's when we all do our taxes like losers. I don't have a big question.

Later:

Debbie from TurboTax called. She walked me through it and now I have to send a paper amendment. So it goes. Small price to pay, I guess. I shaved about $2,000 off my taxes so it's worth it. :) Yes, I'm a much wealthier woman now than I was. And it makes more sense. I made the same as I did 10 years ago. Ha! That's how much I was making in 2001 when I was working at REM. So it goes. Not that I like to remember that place.

Smoothing Bedspreads

Feeling good today. Got a lot of great sleep last night. Sprung forward this weekend.

Not much going on in my brain. I had an idea the other day when I was running around the track: resentments are puzzles. Humans like puzzles and games. A resentment is something that goes against the grain and we like to puzzle and puzzle and puzzle with it. We like to work it like a rubik's cube. I like to worry my resentments like a rubik's cube. When I had that idea, it was like a Eureka! This morning, was thinking about a resentment and I stopped myself. "Think about another puzzle." And I did. I have other puzzles I need to think about.

I need to buy a plane ticket and just looked to see what days are the cheapest days to fly: Wednesday, Tuesday and Saturday. I can fly to SF on the 20th of April and be there for my sister's birthday. Then, I can fly out on the Tuesday after Easter (my birthday). Ooooh, how exciting.

Yesterday, I got on the train and headed into the city to meet friend for sushi lunch. She paid for the meal which was unnecessary. But then we walked down to Effi's bakery where I bought us cups of decaf and a couple cookies which we shared. I got the chocolate chip cookie and she got the oatmeal raisin but I think I preferred the oatmeal raisin! How weird. I never thought I liked oatmeal raisin cookies. Well, I like them but I was never really that into them.

She told me I have to get my butt in gear when it comes to the school applications. Okay okay. I'll work on them a little bit today. I'll do four or five and then head over to the post office with them. Shoot them off into the world. I don't really want to. I have to also look into the Norton Symantec renewals and all my subscriptions. I hate wasting money. But I'm so good at it! I also have to work on my taxes. Just get those done.

We caught another mouse this morning. Roommate held the bag and I put it in there--still alive and kicking. And kind of bloody. Well, those are the breaks. If you're going to break into our house and eat our food and excrete all over the place, you're going to have to pay the consequences.

I need to do a little bit of cleaning, too. I need to do a big dusting like I did last month. Man, that was so awesome. I need to call my mother. She called last night but I didn't pick up the phone. She must have been near the phone.

I worry about the future and need to stop that. Things are never as bad as I think they're going to be. I've always been good at "seeing" the future and the future is always black and terrible.

Okay, I have a lot on my plate today. Last night, I spent two hours on hotel pictures. I spent two hours smoothing bed spreads that I hadn't before because it wasn't in the budget. She gave me a budget and I had work within the confines of that. But then she gave me a little more wiggle room.

How do you make a whore moan?

Ugh. I haven't written in awhile. I've been working every day. Haven't run for awhile and put on a few pounds. I had a bad period. It was two weeks late and when it showed I got water bloat and bad skin. One day, I was alternately livid and then to the point of tears. Hormones. How do you make a whore moan?

I got up a couple pounds and now am back down a bit. Man, I thought I'd go up forever. It kind of freaked me out and I got kind of down about it. "Is this the way I live now?" I thought. "Constantly hungry in order to fit into a pair of jeans?" It made me sad. It's not a daily reprieve with me. I'm hungry about 75% of the time. I'm only not hungry when I'm running at the track or about an hour after I eat. Then, the second hour, I'm okay but could definately eat. The last hour before I eat I'm always checking the clock. I've learned how to do other things, though.

Last night, I just looked at recipes for longer than I should. I need to stop doing that. It's just a waste of time. I made tandoori chicken and I don't think I broiled it long enough. Yesterday, I warmed some up in the microwave. It was still a little pink in the middle (which doesn't make sense considering I nuked it for three minutes and that should cook any chicken really). I made some pearl barley and that stuff is the shiznet. I'm a Pearl Barley woman from now on. It has fewer calories than rice and it has a nice mouth feel. I think it's more nutritious, too. Well, according to online. I may have to do some more research.

No more Capri bakery, though.

I dunno. I'm doing a couple different things in front of the computer now. I'm feeding 18 discs of Oh The Glory of It All by Wilsey into the computer. Mom enjoyed it. We'll see. It may be a San Francisco thing. I know it was a very popular book when it came out. And it's read by my favorite (sarcasm) Scott Brick. Another 18 discs of a sarcastic tone. *sigh* Oh well, I don't hate him. He does a good job.

Don't know what I'll have for breakfast. I have so many options. Food I really need to be eating. I need to make some beef burritos with that beef I've been freezing and thawing and freezing and thawing. I just buy too much food for one person. It really is cheaper to cook for yourself--unless you're going to eat it all immediately. Then, it's a waste if it gives you food poisoning or you're going to just throw it out. No rest for the weary in this house.

Landlady will be home to accept Fedex packages tomorrow. Client is sending me a Fedex package but I'm going to be working in the city tomorrow...

Mom just called. Sister is home and I spoke with her, too. She says mom's doing a lot of things one-handed (because of her surgery on the 1st). I love mom. I love my sister! I hope it lasts forever!  We discussed me coming out for Birthdays. Mine's on Easter this year so we could have a big Easter meal. Maybe I'll try my hand at Beef Wellington. I could just buy the pastry dough. I don't have to roll it out.

Sister's doing her taxes. I think I'm going to work on my own today. I played a little bit with Lightroom last night. I need to get better at batch work. When I get done here, I'm going to go back to that website hipchunk? and look at flights to SF. Just a short trip. I said I'd be out in the Spring. I think there was some new-year's resolution to go to SF three times a year instead of two. Yep, every 4 months or so sounds about right. I just keep making other trips. This year it's to the UK where I'll see mom and dad.