Envy and Competitiveness

Envy and competitiveness are the ugliest of emotions; I'd rather be jealous or angry or bitter than envious and competitive. The first three can be justified and there's a happiness in the justification; but the latter two are just misery and despair. There's no happiness there.

Sunscreen and Sloe-Gin Fizz

It's much warmer today than it's been this year. I'm wearing my Loyal Army t-shirt my sister gave me and my jeans skirt. I was sweating when I got out of the lukewarm shower! My face was red from the track. I was running around in the hot sun and I was okay. It was before nine a.m.. I got up early this morning. It's easy to get up early if it's sunny and bright out. In fact, I kind of tossed and turned most of the night. I wasn't kept awake, but I kept waking up for some reason.

I've done an hour of work today; I contacted at least 20 photographers so I'm happy with the day's work. It took me about an hour. I've been brushing up on my resume and sending it about to Craig's list and I got one phone call yesterday. Note to self: don't send resumes to jobs you don't really want because they'll call you. Just like you shouldn't flirt with guys you're not that crazy about: they're the only ones who'll ask for your phone number. Such is life.

So yeah: it's hot when I run. My face gets red. I put on tons of sunscreen but I'm probably destroying myself anyway. I went to CVS within the last week and got the family-sized bottle of suncreen. It's huge and the screen is pretty greasy. That'll teach me to go cheap. But if I go with the pricey stuff, I probably don't use as much as I should. See? I'm starting to learn more and more about myself as the years progress. Know Thyself!!

I'm listening to Gone with the Wind which is such a fabulous book. Man, can that woman write! Right now, Scarlett has just returned to Tara where there's nothing to eat and everyone's miserable. Everyone's looking to her; she's emerging as the new South. How exciting. I'm also listening to Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester is being a dick and teasing her. Well, he's kind of a big dick. He's married and wants to commit bigamy. Jane is right to run away as she does. I'm surprised Mrs. Fairfax doesn't know about what Grace Poole is hiding. I need to read Charlotte Bronte's biography by Elizabeth Gaskell. Problem is I've tried reading it before: it's a little rough starting. Slow to start. C'mon! C'mon! Get to the good stuff.

So I worked on my resume and I've started sending it out. No one wants me. I'm not going to let it bother me. I always job hunt in miserable weather. If I job hunt this summer, I have a summer-type suit. I have that white blazer mom bought me at the Banana Republic outlet in Portland.

"Well Portland Oregon and Sloe-gin fizz: if that ain't love then tell me what is! Uh huh! Uh huh! I lost my heart and I lost my mind in Oregon!"

I'm so proud of myself. I bought my tablet and plugged it in and set it up and started to use it. I played a little Freecell yesterday and tooled around with it. Then, my monitor didn't work and I had to go into the city. Man, that wasn't good. I was cranky and late getting to the train even though I was well on time for my dental appointment. I didn't wear enough clothing and was cold all day walking around in the rain.

I got a good check up from Dr. M. He has a new receptionist and a new dental assistant.  I liked the receptionist: she was very nice. Dr. M came in and gave me the stamp of approval. The whole visit with my new Dental Save program came to $60. Not bad. I'll have to do the math to see if I actually save any money but I probably do.

I walked out the front door and across the street to the Bus and took it to Delancey street. It was a long bus ride full of Asian pre-teens. I'm so glad I'm not on anyone's radar anymore. I walked over to Eldridge where there's a dumpling shop. Four dumplings and 3 pork buns for $2. That's about what I paid 10 years ago at the little shop on Allen Street. Although back then it was five dumplings for a dollar and 4 pork buns for a dollar. I ate more than I should have but they were so hot and delicious.

There was a crazy guy screaming in there. After I left, I kept looking for a cop to do some shooing action but there was not a cop to be found.

I walked down to my new hair salon but the chick told me I'd have to wait half an hour. Phooey. I turned the corner and walked over to Forsyth where there was a shop with no one doing anything but watching Chinese soap operas. I got my bangs cut for $5 and tipped three. Then, I walked over to the bakery on Grand Street where I used to always get cookies. They've completely renovated the place since I left in 2004--which is fine. It could be an entirely new/different bakery. I got a chocolate chip cookie for 80 cents and looked at the huge hole across the street. About a month ago, there was a big fire on Grand street and it was across the street from the bakery. I can't even remember what was there now.

Today, I walked over to my doctors to get my ears flushed and to take a thyroid test. I didn't eat or drink any coffee. He was only able to flush one ear; the other ear, the right ear, still has some hard wax that wants to stay put. I don't want to go back but may have to at some point. I've been using that peroxide crap that tickles like mad after awhile. First it sizzles, and then it's excruciating and impossible to "scratch."

Michael Jackson

I no longer run with my Jets hat. Maybe I should get a white hat. Maybe I get overheated with the cap on because it's dark. I'll keep on the look out for a white, cotton hat that can go in the wash. I remember the white Michael Jackson cap I had in the fifth grade when I was in love with him. Anita C* and I used to write him love letters. Years (years!) later I got a response from him/them and I was no longer in love with him or a fan. It was a  really long time later. Too funny.

Toni Morrison

Everyone's so angry. I thought yesterday about being a liberal and boiling it down. Meg Whitman, the CEO of eBay or some such nonsense, is running for Governor of California. As a republican but she's pro-choice. I gotta say, I'd vote for a female republican if s/he were pro-choice. I'd vote for any republican who was pro choice. And then I realized that was my one, big issue: right to privacy/reproductive freedom. Of course, there are some other issues that I care about. I care about the environment and recycling and endangered animals and resources. I care about peace and not going to war over everything. I do believe that the war in Afghanistan is justified but the one in Iraq is not. We gotta get Osama Bin Laden but the rest of those bitches can rot in the cots they made for themselves.

I don't know what the party line is on decriminalizing drugs but I'm not for that. I don't care that much about vegetarianism and animal rights, but I do think it's important not to torture any living being. I care about those things, but I ain't waving a sign for them.

I'm feeling listless. I did my run today. I did 45 minutes in the hot sun but there was a cool breeze so it wasn't so bad. Afterward, I sat in the shade while listening to Gone With the Wind. What a great book. If all books could be that engaging and rewarding, what a happy woman I would be. Problem is, most aren't. I must pay more attention to popular books.

E* and I were talking in the living room today. She showed me all her books signed by Toni Morrison. I like Toni Morrison, but I don't really like her. I might re-read the Bluest Eye or Sula (in fact, I think I've read Sula more than once) but I can leave Beloved and Song of Solomon on the shelf. I've tried more than once to get into the former and I barely finished the latter in college. So it goes. Different strokes for different folks, eh? I saw her in the Starbucks on Spring street many years ago. I also have the photograph of her painting hanging in the National Portrait Gallery.

Summer Storm

My computer tab system stopped working earlier and it's driving me to distraction. I kind of rely on it to act the way it's always acted.

It's full-on raining outside. Good thing I kept putting off going to the library to return those books. I guess I did a little math yesterday; that made me feel loads better. Wow, look at this summer storm. I love it! It'll get hot and sticky later. Like a hurricane outside though. And the wind is blowing blowing. I've opened my door so it can scurry about the apartment.

It's clearing up outside. It's still pretty Grey but the rain has stopped. The wind is still blowing. I love it. I think I'm going to put on my rubber-souled shoes and head out. Put my library books in a water-proof bag.

Shitty Art

I do appreciate art on a whole new level after my MET membership. I can see how things fit together now. Why one painting is a reaction to another kind of painting. And there's so much shitty art out there you have to appreciate the good stuff. I guess that's what the MET is for. I've said it before, anytime I leave the MET everything looks like crap. I pass a poster and framing shop and everything in the window looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting. What makes good art? I don't know. It's like pornography: I know it when I see it.

Is it great art if no one pays attention to it. When I go to the MOMA, there are really boring pieces that don't even register with people. Should those be culled from the museum? Probably. Why should we look at some broom leaning against a wall? I guess I sound like an asshole, but that piece's time has come and gone.