January 29, 2015
Dear Anna,
On January 28th, 2014, I had an early morning doctors
appointment before going to work at Intermix. It was a cold day and I wore my
black parka and my purple scarf; I had a big breakfast of oatmeal. I got to the
obstetrician's office in Union
Square, New York,
and waited my turn. First, they made me step on the scale and at that point in
my pregnancy I no longer looked at the numbers. Then, they checked my blood
pressure. The nurse was very startled by the number and checked it again to
make sure. She made a note on my chart.
I met with a doctor I'd never met with before; she very
pleasantly told me she was sending me over to Labor and Delivery (on another
campus) to run some more tests. She assured me that everything was fine but she
just wanted to make sure (etc.). On the walk over to the First Avenue hospital, I called your
Grammy in alarm and she told me it was probably nothing. I also texted my
manager, Luis, at Intermix to tell him I'd be late. I did not text or call your
father because I didn't want to alarm him at work unnecessarily.
I found Labor & Delivery and filled out some paperwork;
they sent me to wait and I waited and waited and waited at least 45 minutes to
an hour before I had to remind them again that I was there. They'd forgotten
about me but then they put me in a room, told me to get into a hospital gown
and pee in a cup, and then they stuck an iv in my hand. I figured I wasn't
going anywhere soon. I texted my manager and told him that I wasn't coming in
that day.
The tests didn't go so well so they decided to induce. I
called your father on his cell at work but he wasn't answering. I texted him
CALL ME and then called your Grammy in Portland
(where she was vacationing) to google his workplace to get the workplace
number. She didn't have wifi in the Portland
condo, so she called her sister to google it. I finally got through to your
father at the same time your grammy did on the landline. She called the
reception at Avio and said that it was an emergency and she needed to speak
with Giovanni right away and it was his mother-in-law!
I told your father not to hurry and that it was going to be
a long while before the baby came. We learned that from the prenatal classes. I
didn't have a bag packed. I told him to bring some clothes for me and
definitely all the chargers for all the electronics and the list of baby names!
We still hadn't picked a name!
It wasn't a pleasant time for me. I was glad that I'd had
the huge bowl of oatmeal because that was the last food I saw for days; they
hooked me up to every sort of drip and machine. Yadda yadda yadda I'll spare
you. Hot and cold running doctors and nurses; never seemed to see the same one
twice. Finally, your dad showed but there wasn't much for him to do. I wasn't
going to give birth anytime soon.
He came and went; he went to starbucks and the dunkin donuts
and walked around the neighborhood. The nurses and doctors kept me plenty
company. They were all very nice and friendly. Then, it was night and your
father had to sit by my bedside in a hard-backed chair because there was
nothing else for him. I wasn't very comfortable in my bed because I was hooked
up to so many machines. If I rolled over, I'd unhook something and the nurses
would come running in to cluck their tongues.
Close to dawn, they upped the pitocin and my contractions
(which I hadn't felt up to this point) began in earnest. Still, the doctor said
it was going to be a long time, so I told Giovanni he could go home and take a
shower if he needed, etc. After the first big contraction, I told a nurse I
wanted an epidural. Your father left but then came back because there was a big
snowstorm outside. He was afraid that if he left the island
of Manhattan, they'd close the George Washington
Bridge and he wouldn't be
able to get back in.
Soon, no more than an hour or two, many doctors and nurses
came in and said that the baby was in distress and that they wanted to do an
emergency C-Section--what your father and I feared the most! But I said okay
because it needed to be done. They wheeled me into surgery and started to work
on me (it seemed) before the epidural started. I could still feel some
sensation and I was worried about that but not for long. They knocked me out.
When I awoke, I was angry that I'd "slept" through the whole thing! I
was angry at myself! Of course, I didn't know that they'd knocked me out
deliberately. The nurse came over and asked me if I wanted to see my baby.
"Of course!" She held you sideways because I was lying down. You
looked like a baby to me, but I was so glad that there was nothing wrong with
you! You were swaddled and had a little hat on. Then, I probably fell asleep.
They wheeled me into a Recovery room on another floor where
for 24 hours I was watched over. I had the bed next to the window so I could
look out. The nurses were so nice to me; I was hooked up to a magnesium drip
and blood pressure machines that took my blood pressure every half hour (more
or less). I couldn't eat anything but I wasn't hungry. Your father came to
visit me a little bit, but, once again, there was little he could do. They
wheeled you in a couple times to try to nurse, but I was out of it and unable
to take care of you. I pumped regularly but I also let them give you formula. I
drifted in and out of sleep and chewed the same gum.
You were taken to the nursery and put under the light
because you had jaundice. You were a tiny little thing. Later, I would go visit
you. You had a tiny little sunshade over your eyes. You were so tiny I had the
nurse put the little visor back on you.
The next day, I was put in my own room--even though I didn't
pay more for a private room. It was huge but cold! For some reason, the heat
didn't work properly. It was fine for me, but it was a little chilly for the
baby. For four or five days, I stayed in that room. Every three hours, I'd
shuffle to the nursery to sit and try to nurse you. I tried to sleep but the
nurses kept waking me up to take my blood pressure. Every morning, I parked you
at the nurses station and then went to go get my own breakfast at the breakfast
buffet. Loved that!
I watched the 24 hour baby channel and looked on Facebook.
Cindy Cravenho came to visit and soon Grammy showed up; she came immediately
and stayed with her friend Wendy in Manhattan.
I had to stay an extra day because my blood pressure was
still really high: it stayed high for more than a few weeks until one day it
just returned to normal.
We still debated the name for you; our original name for you
was "Anna" but your father thought we agreed on that name too
quickly. He thought we should take more time naming you--even though we both
liked "Anna." Finally, after much machinations, we chose
"Kate" and even filled out the paperwork with "Kate." But
then thought some more and decided on Anna after all. So we scratched out
"Kate" on the paperwork and wrote "Anna." I thought of you
as Kate for a good long while, though, after you were born. The road not
traveled!
Your dad went to the Babies R'Us in Union Square and bought a little fleece
outfit that you came home from the hospital in. Grammy, you, me and dad all
drove to Englewood NJ
where we lived at the Towne
Center--a luxury
apartment building. It was still very cold and snowy and those two first weeks
that Grammy stayed with us were some of the best of my life. At night, we'd
watch the winter Olympics in Socchi. In the morning, Grammy, you and I would
watch The Daily Show.
Today, your first birthday, you and I got up around 8:00 am
and I fed you and put some clothes on you. These days, I then put you in your
highchair where you play with your toys or I put you in the l'ingresso where
you can play with your toys and not be watched so much. The ingresso is baby
proofed!
You are my delight and my joy. It's true that children open
up new rooms in your heart. The first time you smiled at me, it was like the
sun shining from behind clouds and the Angel Gabriel blowing his horn! And now,
you're just starting to use words. Of course, the only two words you really
know are "Mama" and "caca." But you use them all the time.
The first time you used the word "Mama" around me, I teared up. I
can't believe you're mine!
Right now, you tend to spend a lot of the mornings with your
Nonni if I'm studying or if I have to go to school. Then, I bring you upstairs where
I nurse you to sleep. You tend to nap for at least two hours. Afterwards, I
diaper you and try to feed you (some protein and some pureed minestrone soup)
and then put you back on the floor with your toys or in your walker. You like the walker and tool
around the apartment--going from room to room. You like to go into your room
and pull all the books off the shelf; then, when you're not looking, I go in
there and put them all back. You'd love to be in the kitchen more but I've put
the baby gate up because there's just too much in there I don't want you into yet.
You are a very healthy, normal baby. You've got four teeth
(and sometimes use them on me!) and can stand by yourself assisted by a couch
or chair. You can crawl very fast and are very curious about everything.
In the late afternoon, you go back downstairs for a couple
hours while I do studying. Then, I retrieve you, give you some dinner in your
highchair, give you a little bath in the tub, and then nurse you to sleep--if
I'm lucky! Seems like you never want to go to bed anymore. Oh well, this, too,
shall pass!
While I love you being my little (BIG) baby, I do want you
to grow. I want to read stories with you and talk with you. I want to explore
things with you. You and I will be good friends in the upcoming year. I know
it.
I love you very much. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Mom
