Maulleigh's place

I'm a big jerk

2012-01-27T07:18:00.000-05:00

But nothing like a severely disabled kid to ruin a perfectly-good lunch.

Any Slot

2012-01-25T13:13:00.001-05:00

2/23/2011

2012-01-24T07:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I walked to the library and returned some books and checked out some books. I got a copy of Junky by Burroughs. I know I've read that book a couple times. I took it off the shelf and started reading it and thought, "I just can't put this book down when I pick it up." So, last night, I turned off the computer and read Junky in bed for an hour. What a good read. He's got so many characters that I can't keep them straight. I remember reading it when I was seeing Dylan--the junkie. I wonder whatever happened to him. I'll bet I could find him on facebook if I really wanted. Delightful Facebook. Is there anything it can't do.
I wasn't featured in an interview, but they did show a clip of me running around the track the other day. I forwarded the link to everyone but no one could watch it because they're not in the Bronx. Which makes no sense because mom could see it. Perhaps aol's got some special deal.

I tried to run at the track today but there was still pesky ice on the track so I ran around the track. There was a kid out there in an orange t-shirt and shorts. He looked in his teens. He didn't have a hat or gloves or anything on and he was just wandering around the track. Not on it, but around the perimeter fence. I kept thinking and thinking if I should say something. I even went up the driveway to the Police station up there but no one was about. Every single car and truck they had was idling, though. WTF is up with that? Made me want to write a letter to the mayor or the Police Commissioner. I got a great way to keep soaring costs down: stop idling all the fucking Fords in the entire city for hours!

Whatever. Let it go. I can't fight every battle. I know I'm happy and content when my idle mind goes to television shows. That means that nothing's going on. I'm like Homer Simpson with a toy monkey clanging cymbals in his head. How pleasant is that?

What else? Going to meet Cindy at Milon at 6:30 pm. Perhaps I'll go into the city early for a couple hours and do some shopping at K-Mart. I should get some plastic jars to hold things like rice. I suppose I should get some more traps and the like. We've caught so many mice but there are so many in the walls. Where do they come from and why do they like to congregate there?

Getting a lot of feedback but no work so far from all the Katies. I think I should finish up there today. Who knows who the next name is. I'm thinking Aimee or something. It's got to be something I have no record of sending a lot of emails to. I don't want to do a lot of checking. I want to do all the Aimees at once so I don't have to see if I've already sent them emails. That's a pain in the ass.

I'm hungry. I was hungry yesterday. I think I ate too many carbs. I was close to binge behavior. I need to eat more fat and protein. I know it's silly, but it's true. Binging is one of the worst things to do and so far I've avoided it. There have been a couple times where I've wanted to emotionally eat. And I have.

God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies

2012-01-23T11:44:00.001-05:00

God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies, a photo by Maulleigh on Flickr.

God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies

2012-01-23T11:40:00.000-05:00

It was 14 degrees this morning but I went for my run anyway. Everything was so frozen I didn't need boots. There wasn't much ice on the concrete track so that was nice; there also weren't many people out. There was a football league out. There's always someone standing around somewhere. Most of the time it's the park staff standing around shooting their mouths off. I pass them several times. By my count they stand around for fifteen, twenty minutes to half an hour. Just doing nothing. What the hell are they waiting for? The football players I almost wanted to shout at them: "Start playing already! You're wasting precious time." The kids doing field day in the summer also annoy me. Once, they lined the kids up on the track and I passed them about four or five times. They didn't have the kids doing anything; just standing in lines. At least fifteen to twenty minutes. So it goes.
I have a lot of cooking to do today. I have to do a vegetable stir fry. I have to do chicken Parmesan. All this cooking for myself. I can freeze stuff. It makes good little meals. My oatmeal this morning was just right in goldilocks parlance. Just right. I added the correct amount of salt (a lot) and a little more water than usual so it was soupier. I also found a box of Splenda and added a packet of that (calories 0). Because it's not recognized by the body as food! Ha! Michael Pollan would spin in his grave if he were dead. But he's not dead.

Yesterday afternoon, I went down to Chinatown and got my hair cut at the place I've been going to for the last year, I guess. Yep. Time flies. No, actually I think I got it cut at the last place. She did a good job, but she was always busy every successive time I went in there. I went around the corner to the place I go to now--on Forsythe. They've got a vibrating chair and finish every haircut with a great back and neck massage. Totally worth the $13. Cheap! A real experience.

After that, I wandered up to Delancy and over to Ludlow. Everything's changed and I can't remember what was there before. I made a point not to walk by my old building. Just don't want to see it. The Motor City bar is still there and looks the same. A lot of new bars and restaurants and clothing stores. I walked up Avenue A. What a boring street compared to below Houston. I used to love Avenue A. So it goes.

It was soooooo cold. I walked over to Second and was still very early for the dinner party at Nomad. I stopped into the Starlight Diner and sat at the counter and had a cup of decaf. They left me alone. After I paid I used the bathroom. Hey, you gotta pay in life. I paid for my time and my trip to the bathroom.

Had a good time at Nomad. Our table wasn't filled with big talkers but somehow a conversation was had.The food was great. I had the veggie burger which was a black-bean paste in the shape of a burger. It was very good. I didn't eat the bun or the fries. I knew they were coming but I avoided them.

It was cold out last night so at about four in the morning, I had to get up and put another blanket on. Brrrr! Cold. Now I really have to go to the bathroom!

Edie Falco's Aha! Moment - Oprah.com

2012-01-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Edie-Falcos-Aha-Moment

She never wanted kids—until a milestone birthday and a bout with cancer made her rethink her priorities.

I never really wanted kids. I didn't not want them, but motherhood just wasn't something that pulled at me. My friends started having children after college, while I was pursuing this crazy acting career and living hand to mouth. Plus, all my boyfriends were artists struggling to make a living. Having kids didn't make any sense—why would I take on more of a financial burden when I couldn't even afford a dog?

As I got older and had more serious relationships, the topic of children would sometimes come up. But it was always the man's suggestion, and I'd think, "Well, if kids are what he wants, and if that's what you're supposed to do at this point, maybe I should…" Still, none of those relationships lasted.

Then something happened that I hadn't anticipated: I started going on dates and thinking, "Is this the guy who's going to give me kids?" The idea of motherhood began to take on its own life inside me.

I turned 40 in July 2003, and that September I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had eight months of treatment, and in the spring of 2004, when I was given a clean bill of health, I had one of those moments of clarity where all questions and debates just fall away. The direction was clear: I didn't have to wait for the right man, or to be more ready, or to have more money or a bigger apartment. It was time for me to start a family on my own.

I immediately called a New Jersey adoption agency. (I could have given birth through IVF—I was healthy enough after my cancer treatment—but I wasn't interested.) I started filling out the four million pages of paperwork, which normally would have been daunting enough to keep me from following through. This time, though, I sat there and took it one tedious page at a time.

Within a year, I found myself in a room, waiting. I can remember it like it was five seconds ago. A social worker handed me a teensy baby—my son, Anderson—and my parents and I just lost it. He was so beautiful. Last year, I got my daughter, Macy; she's a dream.

Being a single mother was the right thing for me. But I have a tremendous amount of help from my friends. They're in love with my kids, and my kids are in love with them. We're joined in a sort of bizarre communal arrangement: When I go to work or to an event, my kids are with these friends, and we spend evenings, weekends, and holidays with them, too. It's the closest thing to a family I've had since I was a child.

I haven't given up on having a relationship with a man. It's just not the priority it used to be, and I don't feel "less than" without it. My idea of happiness is different now from what it used to be. It's not the jumping-up-and-down kind; it's a contentedness. The overriding feeling is gratitude, and once you have that it builds on itself and creates this whole giant tower that you can't escape—and you're even more grateful. I am in awe of the way things have turned out. Maybe life isn't supposed to be crappy; maybe the good times are where we're supposed to live.

— As told to Suzan Colón

Just Letting You Know

2012-01-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

MDMA / Ecstasy psychotherapy sessions with women who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder

2012-01-20T12:21:00.000-05:00

Ecstasy approved for medical study

Dr Michael Mithoefer WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A South Carolina psychiatrist said Wednesday he will immediately start recruiting patients after winning approval to conduct the first study testing MDMA -- better known as ecstasy -- as a therapeutic tool. Dr. Michael Mithoefer plans to conduct psychotherapy sessions with 20 women who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder due to sexual assaults or other violence, and who haven't been helped by other treatment. Twelve of the women will receive MDMA prior to the sessions while eight will be given a placebo.
The Food and Drug Administration approved Mithoefer's protocol in 2001, but it took another two years to find an institutional review board willing to sanction the study, which is a required step when dealing with human research subjects.
Mithoefer's research required approval from the Drug Enforcement Administration because MDMA is a Schedule I drug. It's grouped with drugs like heroin, cocaine and LSD, all considered to have no medical use.
Bill Grant, a spokesman for the DEA, said the final approval came Tuesday night.
Mithoefer says he works with post-traumatic stress disorder patients all the time and he's excited about the possibility of finding a better treatment for the hundreds of thousands of Americans who suffer from the sometimes debilitating disorder.
"We owe it to them," he said. "It would be irresponsible for the medical community not to investigate something like this."
At the same time, he warns that using MDMA in an uncontrolled setting can be very dangerous.
"It's really important for people to realize the fact that we have permission to do this study and we can do it safely in this setting," he said.
Also, the fact that he's received permission for the study, he said, "does not mean that you can use ecstasy safely and anywhere."
MDMA was first invented in 1912 but largely ignored until young people made it a recreational drug starting in the late 1970s. Psychiatrists quickly became aware of its unusual properties, and several dozen experimented by giving MDMA to patients -- including people suffering post-traumatic stress disorder -- and others with intense anxiety after receiving diagnoses of terminal cancer.
One of those patients from the early 1980s is an artist now living in the western United States, who spoke with CNN. She did not want her name used.
After being raped and beaten at age 17, the woman suffered severe panic attacks for eight years, leading to three hospitalizations before being treated with MDMA. Before those sessions, she said her trauma was misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, severe depression and bipolar disorder.
"MDMA allowed me, for the first time, to sit with the details of the event, and separate them from what was happening in the present," she told CNN. "I was able to relax my body. I was able to say, 'this is not happening to you right now.' "
Suicidal at the time, she said the treatment may have saved her life.
"There might have been another way, but the way that I see it is that I probably would have died," she said.
"When someone is traumatized, walls form around trauma -- like a scar -- and it's hard to get someone to open up and talk about it," explains Dr. Julie Holland of New York University, author of "Ecstasy: A Complete Guide."
"What's unique about MDMA is that it's actually stimulating but decreases anxiety," Holland told CNN. "It could help people feel calm and comfortable enough to explore painful things that are hard to talk about."
"A good analogy is that it would give psychiatry something akin to anesthesia during therapy," she said. "And unlike anesthesia, your memory is completely intact, but even enhanced. You remember the trauma very clearly, but are comfortable enough to talk about it."
"Because it anesthetizes the patient to some extent," Holland said, "you can get to that malignant core in one or two sessions instead of three or four years."
But Dr. Scott Lillienfeld, a psychiatrist at Emory University who has studied post-traumatic stress disorder, said that hypothesis is "at the least, muddled."
Lillienfeld said effective treatment actually requires the patient to face their trauma head-on. "If you're calm, you're not getting at the root of the problem," said Lillienfeld.
He also said Mithoefer's study has methodological problems.
"There's no real placebo," he said. "Everyone will know who's on the drugs. What I wonder is, instead of a placebo, why aren't they giving a drug that mimics the physical effects?"
Mithoefer said all participants will have to undergo psychiatric screening and a physical exam to ensure they don't have any physical risk factors. Ecstasy, a strong stimulant, is thought to be particularly dangerous to people with high blood pressure. It also has been known to cause dangerous overheating in people who take it and then exercise or dance for a long period of time.
Patients in this clinical trial will be given the drug only one or two times. They will be under a doctor's supervision for the entire time they are under the drug's influence.
Mithoefer said he hopes to begin the actual therapy sessions next month.

Helping Keep a City Clean, and Maybe Safer - NYTimes.com

2012-01-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

January 18, 2009

Helping Keep a City Clean, and Maybe Safer

By JONATHAN D. GLATER

ROSEVILLE, Calif. — Gary Garcia probably knows the early-morning rhythms of the streets here in this city just north of Sacramento better than anyone besides his fellow garbage truck drivers. Anything that breaks the morning pattern is obvious to them, which makes it easy for the garbage collectors to perform an added job — eyes for the police.
"See, here's an odd vehicle here," Mr. Garcia said, gesturing toward a red Ford sedan parked by itself, far from the nearest house, on a street where every other vehicle sat neatly in a driveway. He drove by slowly, peering down into the car but seeing nothing on the seats. "It's an odd place to be parked."
It is a low-tech approach to surveillance, relying not on satellite cameras, space-age radiation detection devices or even neighborhood Webcams. In more and more towns, drivers and garbage collectors are helping the police keep up with what is happening on the streets.
Some of the nation's biggest waste collection companies, including Waste Management and Republic Services, have been participating in the program for several years, allowing police departments to train their workers on what to look for.
The program is now operating in 96 municipalities nationwide, including Londonderry, N.H.; Salt Lake City; Denver; and Fort Worth. "The program has really, I would say, caught fire in the last couple of years," said Zachary T. Lowe, a former F.B.I. agent who was an early proponent of the program as vice president and chief security officer at Waste Management. "We have not advertised it."
The company's "Waste Watch" program suggested the idea to officials of Roseville, whose garbage collectors are municipal employees. Local police officers trained the drivers, who are not paid extra for participating, last summer.
Most mornings, Mr. Garcia says, are loud — as his big truck rumbles to the curb, and its mechanical arm picks up, empties and repositions 90-pound plastic trash bins — and predictable. Once in a while, though, he spots something that seems out of place — that red car near Bill Santucci Park, for example, or on another day a man walking aimlessly at 7 a.m. in a neighborhood that rarely has foot traffic.
About once a month, Mr. Garcia says, he sees something unusual enough to merit a call to a special police number.
Police officers say they appreciate the drivers' tips, especially as budgets shrink. Over the last two years in Roseville, the police department has left 10 positions unfilled. Having the garbage trucks on patrol may not take the place of a police car, but it helps.
"It's a huge benefit for us," said Lt. Michael Doane, watch commander for the Roseville police. "Obviously we're not increasing law enforcement staff right now, because of budget issues."
Lieutenant Doane recalled a tip from a driver who had spotted a man walking down a street, peering into parked cars. "We went out and investigated, and sure enough the person had done some auto burglaries," he said.
Apparently the man never noticed the passing garbage truck, Lieutenant Doane added. "Everybody is used to seeing garbage trucks and public street workers and electric meter readers out every day," he said. "Nobody pays any attention to them."
Drivers are told not to intervene when they see something suspicious, said Aric Henschen, general manager for Republic Services in Aurora, Ill. They are asked instead to "make sure you get a license plate number, try to get as much physical information as you can."
Drivers' tips have led to drug-trafficking arrests, Mr. Henschen said, and to the discovery of a corpse in a home that had gone so long without having any trash that a driver grew suspicious.
Toby August, a senior driver in Roseville, said he often reported people he suspected of being drunken drivers. "Three guys got in a Jeep, all with beers, the driver talking on a cellphone," he said. "I called that one in."
Riding high in the cab of a garbage truck, it is impossible not to notice things. Signs of family life are evident in trash: a birth is announced by a crib's big cardboard box, the aging of children shown in the abandonment of a kiddie pool. Garbage collectors are also informal, hands-on economists, Mr. Garcia said, explaining that when times are good, everyone produces more garbage and that the absence of trash is often a sign of a foreclosed home.
"You can tell how well a particular restaurant is doing from the amount of trash," he said.
Having a recognized, official reason to notice and analyze is a source of pride, Mr. Garcia said, something that helps make up for the obscene gestures and angry honks from impatient drivers trying to pass his truck.
"They have no idea what we do," he said.

That is Going to Be One Epic Butterfly

2011-12-10T21:37:00.000-05:00

That is Going to Be One Epic Butterfly:

Oh baby talk to me, like larvas do…

Marty is ready for the wild blue yonder, Taryn C.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Pups

I banged this out in 20 minutes

2011-12-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

I am so awesome

Kicking ass on central tendency!!

2011-09-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

Evelyn Gordon

2011-09-11T20:34:00.000-04:00

Why do I keep getting spam from Evelyn Gordon?

This won't turn out well

2011-09-06T18:58:00.000-04:00

Mmmmmm

2011-09-04T15:25:00.000-04:00

Pie can...

One-stop shopping

2011-09-03T06:47:00.000-04:00

I need to wallpaper my apartment with this

2011-09-02T06:10:00.000-04:00

Decision Fatigue

2011-09-01T05:49:00.001-04:00

The benefits of glucose were unmistakable in the study of the Israeli
parole board. In midmorning, usually a little before 10:30, the parole
board would take a break, and the judges would be served a sandwich
and a piece of fruit. The prisoners who appeared just before the break
had only about a 20 percent chance of getting parole, but the ones
appearing right after had around a 65 percent chance. The odds dropped
again as the morning wore on, and prisoners really didn't want to
appear just before lunch: the chance of getting parole at that time
was only 10 percent. After lunch it soared up to 60 percent, but only
briefly. Remember that Jewish Israeli prisoner who appeared at 3:10
p.m. and was denied parole from his sentence for assault? He had the
misfortune of being the sixth case heard after lunch. But another
Jewish Israeli prisoner serving the same sentence for the same crime
was lucky enough to appear at 1:27 p.m., the first case after lunch,
and he was rewarded with parole. It must have seemed to him like a
fine example of the justice system at work, but it probably had more
to do with the judge's glucose levels.

This is why I will now begin every meal with a teaspoon of sugar; it's
only 15 calories and if it keeps me from eating a whole cheesecake,
it's well worth it.

Toad purses

2011-08-31T10:27:00.000-04:00

Dobby

2011-08-29T08:13:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I feel like Dobby.

I just want to run headlong into a wall for some stupid mistake I made.
Just missed a train because I was wearing my headphones and didn't hear the "stand clear of the closing doors please!"

The guardian angel of my hurricane

2011-08-28T13:05:00.000-04:00

I don't think they should be allowed to leave the house, either

2011-08-26T14:27:00.000-04:00

I don't think they should be allowed to leave the house, either.

Ghost Busters HeadQuarters

2011-08-04T06:50:00.000-04:00

I had to travel to Tribeca for work. I exited the subway and saw this Firehouse. I'd just seen something on the news on the Ghostbusters Firehouse. Sure enough, it was!

I love New York City.

Dog Waste, $450 Fine

2011-05-15T08:09:00.000-04:00

We have such a dog waste problem in the Bronx. It drives someone else nuts and I'm vindicated.

I find Bill Gates very lovable

2011-04-05T08:23:00.000-04:00

Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

2011-03-20T07:52:00.000-04:00

I did a lot of hidden eating yesterday: stuff I didn't report. I don't know why I report this stuff. It does help a little bit. If I feel I've had a big carb-o-rific day I can cut back a little bit the next. Last night, I was starving. I was in the kitchen, standing over the frozen cookie dough with a spoon thinking, "This isn't good...this isn't good..." Sister was at home making home made pasta.

No running today. God, I just can't get my ass in gear in the mornings. Not even for a half-hour run. Good thing I don't belong to a regular gym. I'd never go. Yeah, I think it's just walking or running for me. I must remember that: I can always go for a walk.

Sometimes I get so down on myself for all the stuff I don't get accomplished. WTF is wrong with me. I never do all the things I want to do when I'm running around the track. I'm always thinking about all the stuff I should do and then I come home and never do them. I end up just trolling recipe websites because I'm obsessed with food now that I'm in starvation mode. Like I said, I finally understand starlets and their hell. Maybe I should take up smoking and adderall.

At ten thirty, I'm meeting friend and we're going to have lunch. Then, we're going to walk around her neighborhood until she has some big shin dig with friends or old co-workers at the Heartland Brewery at the Empire State Building. I'm going to head north and see other friend at two o'clock.

I have to finish the power book by Saturday because someone has requested it. I wonder if I can do that. Last night, I just looked a recipe websites. There are some things I can and feel like making and some that I don't. A lot of pasta recipes. Yes, pasta is easy but it's really like just eating sugar. I have to remember that. I might as well just eat cookies. I should be eating beans. Pasta is special occasion. Not every day. I should be eating beans and salad every day. I should be eating avocado, boiled eggs, salad, beans, and pearled barley. I like all those things. Why can't I be happy. I should have fully non-processed food days. Two rations of everything.

Oh, I give up. I just don't have it in me today. I'm sad because the New York Times is disappearing behind a pay wall tomorrow. One more vestige I'll never see again. Why must life be so difficult? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

Death and Taxes

2011-03-19T15:43:00.000-04:00

Sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I did my taxes wrong. I plugged in the wrong numbers in investments and owed way too much. Of course, I goofed up and already submitted my taxes so now I have to call in the experts. I'm waiting for Turbotax to call so I can amend my taxes. The good news I don't owe half as much as I thought I owed. :) That's lucky. So, I can afford the tax advice. It's still a bargain.

It'll be nice to get it off my desk. I was sitting in a lot of pain, anxiety and angst this week.

I prayed and prayed to God for it to be lifted. I guess it was finally lifted this morning. I feel great. I felt great running around the track. Right now, I'd love to leave the apartment and drop off my laundry and maybe go to the grocery store but I'm waiting for Turbo Tax.

Last night, I met a woman who shared about being laid off. I gave her my phone number. I asked her if she liked Vegetarian food because I wanted to go to this place in Chinatown and am willing to treat her. So, maybe I'll ask her out for Tuesday evening. That would work for me.

I do believe in fundamental psychological shifts. One day booze is the answer to all of life's problems and the next day it's the cause of all of life's problems. Thank you there to the Simpsons.

I'm listening to a Daily Show audio book right now called Earth. It's pretty funny. It was a free download from the NYPL. I'm also reading a book by Greene called The 48 Laws of Power. It's amazing. I'm learning all sorts of terrible Machiavellian things. How to have and wield power. Keep my mouth shut and kiss ass. That's pretty much it. Well, those are a couple. Don't choose sides.

Sister just called and I explained the situation to her a little bit. I said I wanted to get off the phone, though, to keep the lines clear. I hate transferring between phone calls when I'm on the cell phone. I'm always afraid I'll hang up on both parties. I don't want to do that now.

So, it's been almost an hour and I'm still waiting for the tax pros to call me. Said it would be an hour and they have five minutes left. Bastards! They need to hire more people for Saturday morning! That's when we all do our taxes like losers. I don't have a big question.

Later:

Debbie from TurboTax called. She walked me through it and now I have to send a paper amendment. So it goes. Small price to pay, I guess. I shaved about $2,000 off my taxes so it's worth it. :) Yes, I'm a much wealthier woman now than I was. And it makes more sense. I made the same as I did 10 years ago. Ha! That's how much I was making in 2001 when I was working at REM. So it goes. Not that I like to remember that place.

Smoothing Bedspreads

2011-03-14T11:10:00.000-04:00

Feeling good today. Got a lot of great sleep last night. Sprung forward this weekend.

Not much going on in my brain. I had an idea the other day when I was running around the track: resentments are puzzles. Humans like puzzles and games. A resentment is something that goes against the grain and we like to puzzle and puzzle and puzzle with it. We like to work it like a rubik's cube. I like to worry my resentments like a rubik's cube. When I had that idea, it was like a Eureka! This morning, was thinking about a resentment and I stopped myself. "Think about another puzzle." And I did. I have other puzzles I need to think about.

I need to buy a plane ticket and just looked to see what days are the cheapest days to fly: Wednesday, Tuesday and Saturday. I can fly to SF on the 20th of April and be there for my sister's birthday. Then, I can fly out on the Tuesday after Easter (my birthday). Ooooh, how exciting.

Yesterday, I got on the train and headed into the city to meet friend for sushi lunch. She paid for the meal which was unnecessary. But then we walked down to Effi's bakery where I bought us cups of decaf and a couple cookies which we shared. I got the chocolate chip cookie and she got the oatmeal raisin but I think I preferred the oatmeal raisin! How weird. I never thought I liked oatmeal raisin cookies. Well, I like them but I was never really that into them.

She told me I have to get my butt in gear when it comes to the school applications. Okay okay. I'll work on them a little bit today. I'll do four or five and then head over to the post office with them. Shoot them off into the world. I don't really want to. I have to also look into the Norton Symantec renewals and all my subscriptions. I hate wasting money. But I'm so good at it! I also have to work on my taxes. Just get those done.

We caught another mouse this morning. Roommate held the bag and I put it in there--still alive and kicking. And kind of bloody. Well, those are the breaks. If you're going to break into our house and eat our food and excrete all over the place, you're going to have to pay the consequences.

I need to do a little bit of cleaning, too. I need to do a big dusting like I did last month. Man, that was so awesome. I need to call my mother. She called last night but I didn't pick up the phone. She must have been near the phone.

I worry about the future and need to stop that. Things are never as bad as I think they're going to be. I've always been good at "seeing" the future and the future is always black and terrible.

Okay, I have a lot on my plate today. Last night, I spent two hours on hotel pictures. I spent two hours smoothing bed spreads that I hadn't before because it wasn't in the budget. She gave me a budget and I had work within the confines of that. But then she gave me a little more wiggle room.

How do you make a whore moan?

2011-03-06T12:08:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I haven't written in awhile. I've been working every day. Haven't run for awhile and put on a few pounds. I had a bad period. It was two weeks late and when it showed I got water bloat and bad skin. One day, I was alternately livid and then to the point of tears. Hormones. How do you make a whore moan?

I got up a couple pounds and now am back down a bit. Man, I thought I'd go up forever. It kind of freaked me out and I got kind of down about it. "Is this the way I live now?" I thought. "Constantly hungry in order to fit into a pair of jeans?" It made me sad. It's not a daily reprieve with me. I'm hungry about 75% of the time. I'm only not hungry when I'm running at the track or about an hour after I eat. Then, the second hour, I'm okay but could definately eat. The last hour before I eat I'm always checking the clock. I've learned how to do other things, though.

Last night, I just looked at recipes for longer than I should. I need to stop doing that. It's just a waste of time. I made tandoori chicken and I don't think I broiled it long enough. Yesterday, I warmed some up in the microwave. It was still a little pink in the middle (which doesn't make sense considering I nuked it for three minutes and that should cook any chicken really). I made some pearl barley and that stuff is the shiznet. I'm a Pearl Barley woman from now on. It has fewer calories than rice and it has a nice mouth feel. I think it's more nutritious, too. Well, according to online. I may have to do some more research.

No more Capri bakery, though.

I dunno. I'm doing a couple different things in front of the computer now. I'm feeding 18 discs of Oh The Glory of It All by Wilsey into the computer. Mom enjoyed it. We'll see. It may be a San Francisco thing. I know it was a very popular book when it came out. And it's read by my favorite (sarcasm) Scott Brick. Another 18 discs of a sarcastic tone. *sigh* Oh well, I don't hate him. He does a good job.

Don't know what I'll have for breakfast. I have so many options. Food I really need to be eating. I need to make some beef burritos with that beef I've been freezing and thawing and freezing and thawing. I just buy too much food for one person. It really is cheaper to cook for yourself--unless you're going to eat it all immediately. Then, it's a waste if it gives you food poisoning or you're going to just throw it out. No rest for the weary in this house.

Landlady will be home to accept Fedex packages tomorrow. Client is sending me a Fedex package but I'm going to be working in the city tomorrow...

Mom just called. Sister is home and I spoke with her, too. She says mom's doing a lot of things one-handed (because of her surgery on the 1st). I love mom. I love my sister! I hope it lasts forever! We discussed me coming out for Birthdays. Mine's on Easter this year so we could have a big Easter meal. Maybe I'll try my hand at Beef Wellington. I could just buy the pastry dough. I don't have to roll it out.

Sister's doing her taxes. I think I'm going to work on my own today. I played a little bit with Lightroom last night. I need to get better at batch work. When I get done here, I'm going to go back to that website hipchunk? and look at flights to SF. Just a short trip. I said I'd be out in the Spring. I think there was some new-year's resolution to go to SF three times a year instead of two. Yep, every 4 months or so sounds about right. I just keep making other trips. This year it's to the UK where I'll see mom and dad.

Mice

2011-02-28T09:35:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night, roommate was freaking out because she'd found one mouse in a trap and then seen two mice run into her room. They were scurrying all about. I baited the final traps for her and put them in her room. She said she'd call her own exterminator and I don't blame her.

Yesterday morning, I did my run and then came back here and futzed. Made plans with DB to go down to Bay Ridge to pick up software and take him to lunch. Right before I left, roommate's exterminator showed up and I gotta say he talked a much better game than the exterminator that landlady called. He was interested in doing it right: plugging up holes and such.

But last night, roommate was banging around at eleven. She'd caught another mouse and she was upset about it. :( Poor thing. I have no idea why they're not in my room but I consider myself very lucky so far.

Took the train down to Bay Ridge and got to 86th street in an hour and a half taking express trains. So, I guess it can be done.

We walked to The Bridgeview diner which has a huge B health rating number in the front window. I don't think I've eaten at a B establishment before. And it did have a case of the yucks. I looked at the floor underneath one booth and there were whole pieces of food just sitting there. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and at the chicken, lettuce and tomato and only ate one quarter of the bread. Then, I ordered a terrible piece of lemon meringue pie for dessert. Instead of crust, it was a cake.

I went down into the subway and there was a train heading to Manhattan and another train heading to the last stop--other friend's stop. I took it and called her. She was home!

So, I went over there. Had a nice chat. She made me decaf coffee and put out some spice bread. We were discussing recipes and she found a recipe for Tandoori chicken. She put all the spices into a little container for me and then copied the recipe on her scanner printer. So, now I have to go to Key Food and get the rest of the ingredients for Tandoori Chicken. I hope I can do it in my 9x13 pan!

The trip back up here was uneventful. I did not watch the Oscars but watched the Family Guy Christmas special (re-run) while going through the Mark Bittman easy cookbook. There are tons of things in there I can cook. He's got a roast chicken recipe. I don't think I'm going to make soups anymore.

Free-floating anxiety today

2011-02-24T11:59:00.000-05:00

Free-floating anxiety today. Just a lot of little things. It's not sunny out but kind of grey. Had an okay run. On my way, I passed the broken pedestrian light and decided to finally call 311 on it. It's all turned around and gets people confused about whether they should cross the street or not.

Talked to 311 and told them the problem. By the time I was done with my run, within an hour, it had been taken care of!!! Wow! How's that for someone being on it? :) So, that was nice.

Came home and got ready for the exterminators who were supposed to be here at ten. Kept waiting and waiting. Finally got an email from landlady saying they're coming tomorrow instead because of mis communication. So it goes. I don't care. The mice get a stay of execution. One more day they can live it up!

Last night, I met friend at Milon at about 6:30 p.m. Before hand, I went to Moishe's and got a Hamantachen. I have to eat there while it's still open. OMG they've got such tasty Hamantachen. I'll weep the day that place closes.

Had a little nibble on the way to Milon. We skipped the appetizers (all fried) and the naan. I got tandoori chicken and friend ordered a couple of delicious sides. After dinner, we walked up to Veniero's on East 11th street. There, I had a slice of the almond cheese cake and a decaf coffee and friend had a piece of regular Italian cheesecake. I polished mine off and could have had another slice easily.

I need to go to the library and I need to go into the city. Everything today is okay. I guess I'm a little on edge because I got two requests today to do batch processing and I've never done that. I don't have the software and would need to purchase it. Light room is expensive.

I also got investment information back from dad for my taxes. I need to fill that information in and do that. Lucky for me I still have tons of time.

It feels like a Friday even though it's a Thursday. I slept all right last night. I'm defrosting burrito stuff in order to make more frozen burritos. It's getting to be about breakfast time. It's almost noon.

2/22/2011

2011-02-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

I'm in a great mood today. My fingers can finally work again. I was trying to type before but I was so cold from my run. Yesterday, after my marketing, I turned off the computer for awhile and read a networking book. It helped and I decided to be a better networker. To get out of myself.

I took the train into the city and went to the meeting. I was a little early and saw a woman sitting outside of the room waiting for the second meeting to start. Typically, I'd ignore her. But I'd been reading that networking book so I decided to say hello and ask if she was a newcomer. Turns out she kind of was. Her name was Alice and she had about five months but had counted days in Los Angeles. So, we talked about the differences between California and New York . It wasn't a stellar conversation and I think I talked more than I should have. But I was so damn proud of myself for saying something!

When I got into the meeting, I mentally thought of all the people I knew by name. While I didn't say hi to anyone, I did keep a smile on my face. I saw this guy John on the other side of the room so I did say hello to him. I like him even though I don't know him if that makes any sense. He may prove otherwise in the future.

Decided to walk all the way up to 116th street to the Capri bakery (even though in my heart I wasn't that into the carbs at the moment). Once I decide I can do something, I'm loathe to give it up. It was pretty cold last night and my hands got numb. Once I got hoofing it, though, I was okay. I decided on a nasty berry pie and a chocolate chip cookie (i.e. a cookie with chocolate chips on top). I kind of did some emotional eating of the cookie. The cookie was ending up in my mouth at a rapid pace. I had to stop myself.

Watched a Mad Men episode on the way home. That got me out of my head.

When I got home, roommate was kind of worked up about the mouse situation. She'd been cleaning.

This morning, I put on my new, white cap and headed over to the park. Both the track and the path were clear so that was nice. While I was running around, I saw a camera man and a young news anchor. She stopped me and asked me what I thought of the new smoking ban in parks. I gotta say, I don't give a rip and don't think I gave her a very good interview. I hemmed and hawed. Not stellar television there.

I put the turbotax into the computer this morning and fired it up. I found my taxes from last year so that should help. It plugged them right in and filled in a lot of the nonsense I typically have to re-do. What a smart program. I know I'll change my tune.

Yesterday, for lunch, I ate my homemade frozen burritos. I think I need to tinker with the recipe.

Roommate sent around an email this morning saying the mice were out of control and landlady needs to call and exterminator. So, I hope that happens today. I sent out a lot of emails yesterday. Under my new system, I can send out about 50 in a day. Yesterday was a "Katie" day and it may be a "Katie" day again today. A lot of Katies in photography. Problem is, they all have music on their pages so I have to turn my speakers off. Ugh.

Heading North

2011-02-21T09:44:00.000-05:00

Well, it snowed last night. No running today. Maybe I'll head over to the track anyway and do some laps. I have my new pedometer that tracks calorie count. Supposedly yesterday I burned about 800 calories with the running and the walking.

I got restless yesterday afternoon so took the train all the way down to City Hall and walked north. I walked through Chinatown and wondered what I wanted to eat. I know myself. Once I got something in my head, I can't shake it. So, if I think, "I'm going to have a piece of chocolate cake," even if I eat a HUGE Thanksgiving meal beforehand, I'll still want that cake. So, I just have to have the cake.

I wanted a pastry from the Ferrara Bakery on Grand Street. That's what I wanted. I could mindfully eat all the Chinese dumplings in the world, but I'd still want that piece of pastry from Ferrara so I best just eat that. Like I resigned myself to a fate of living in NYC for the rest of my life, I resigned myself to eating pastry at every meal. I just gotta run it out.

Walked up there and got a piece of Dark Chocolate cake. I can't remember what it was called. Waited forever in line but they took my credit card which was nice. They've got a nice standing place to eat pastries which was helpful. I didn't have to stand over a mailbox or anything in the freezing cold. It was cold last night but not as cold has it has been.

Finished mindfully eating my dinner and then headed north. Up Mott and up Lafayette to the K-Mart where I used their remarkably-clean bathrooms. I found exactly what I was looking for. I could have wept. I found a white baseball cap for $2.99. That's exactly what I've been needing for my runs. Something with a light color that I can throw into the wash. I cannot throw the Jets cap I bought for dad in the wash. I have to put that back in the mail to him. Or, perhaps I'll just bring it along with me to England and give it to him there.

No, then he's got a dirty cap all through England. No, I'll just mail it to them or take it back next xmas.

Headed north again to the Best Buy. I'd totally forgotten there was a Best Buy at Union Square. I think it used to be a Circuit City or something. Well, it's always been an electronics store. Bought a copy of Turbo Tax so I have to get on that at some point. So I can go to work and print out all my paperwork. Use them. :) Maybe I'll start on that today. All I have to do is plug in numbers and write some painful checks.

I missed all the new shows last night but not to worry. I'll watch them at some other time. Now what we have the hulu and the netflix, who needs to watch things when they come out? I can watch them at my leisure.

I wrote to about 50 people with Kate or Katie in their name. Yesterday I just googled that an reaped tons of names. Who knows if any of them will pan out but what the hell else do I have to do? I need to make some more money.

Last night, I saw a mouse and emailed everyone. The mice ignore the traps at this point. They're smart mice.

Super Bowl Sunday

2011-02-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

It's superbowl sunday. Packers versus the Steelers. I don't have a dog in that fight, as my father would say, but if I had to choose I'd go with the Packers. It's my Midwestern roots.
The pork chop baked ended up nice. I need to make the other pork chop recipe today. I'll have pork chops for days! Oh well, I like pork chops. :) Although those poor pigs. I'm terrible. Chicken is much cheaper. I should really switch to chicken as it's better for me: two legs good, four legs bad. :) Animal Farm be damned. This is Michael Pollan we're talking about here.
Mom called me from Portland this morning. I guess they're all there. She called early because the Sunday morning show was featuring the Black Eyed Peas and she didn't care. I don't care either. I asked to speak to Aunt Charlene and had a good chat with her. I told her how much I enjoyed the Caramel bars she made and left for us at the Condo. She said she'd email me the recipe. Mmmm, I love those.

I may treat myself to a baked good today but I don't know what yet.

Working the Rosary

2011-02-20T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm keeping out of the way. Roommate has a suitor over. She said yesterday that they were going to go to church but I don't think that happened. He's over now and they're eating. I'm staying out of the way.

It's so sunny and cold out today. Back down in the 20s during my run. Well, the track's open again. It's clear. That 60-degree day really just melted all the snow in the park--which is really odd. I got used to seeing everything covered in white. Now it's all brown again. The track is clear. I even wore my Wal*Mart sneakers which can't have any liquid around them at any time or they absorb any liquid.

I texted Brooklyn friend to see if he was receiving visitors down in Bay Ridge today and he said he's going to Jersey. I needed to get on a train and go somewhere. Now I need another plan, although just sitting in my room works for right now.

I feel good now. I went out last night at around 7:45 pm and headed into the city with the Capri bakery in mind. I got out at 110th street and walked north. Damn! It was windy and cold. It brought tears to my eyes. Got to the Capri bakery and it was standing room only. I decided on a slice of white cake with white frosting and a coconut cookie. It just looked too good. Walked up to 125th street and got on a train back home. I got a little exercise. :)

Turns out the cake was a pineapple cake with a whipped cream frosting. No doubt a slice of cake from a cake they couldn't sell. It was all right. I don't know if I'm going to get it again although I did enjoy it. I had a third of the coconut cookie this morning before my run. I had a third last night on my way home. I just couldn't wait.

I was thinking of going to Best Buy to get a copy of Turbo Tax and figured last night was the last night to get the $10 off at Best Buy. Nope. This morning, I got an email from Turbo Tax saying there's a new $10-off promotion until the 26th. Screw you, Turbotax!!

I need to start marketing for two hours a day. I have a lot of little things that need doing. Now that I have this new marketing trick: pick one name and just google it and see what pops up. My God there are so many photographers!

I'm not doing a lot of reading. I should just return all my books to the library and be done with them. I should just give up on reading for the rest of my life. It's just not going to happen.

My period is almost a week late. This is very odd indeed. I hope I'm having the next savior. That would be cool although a lot of people would profane my name. A lot of people think it's funny to take Mary's name in vain. I don't think I've ever taken Mary's name in vain. I have a memory of sitting on the front steps in Kenilworth, working a rosary. So I did a rosary. I don't think it helped a lick but I didn't need much help.

Uh oh, the crap's sneaking back into the diet. Might as well just be eating ice cream.

Eating Oranges in the Street

2011-02-19T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's cold again today. Yesterday and the day before (I think) it was in the 50s and 60s and today it's back down in the 40s. On my way back from the track, it started snowing a little bit but not much. Just a reminder that it is still February and spring is nowhere to be seen. Not by a long shot.

I'm doing okay. I'm fed. I bought myself a new pedometer yesterday that tracks steps, miles, and calories. I have no idea how it knows calories as I could be any height and weight. Also, I could have walked my 12,000 steps at the track instead of run so who knows how they make those calculations. Yes, I'm doing okay. I was resentful earlier. I hope I continue to do okay. I'm very blessed today.

After volunteering at the museum yesterday afternoon, I went up to 88th street. While I was looking for a place to eat an orange, I saw my friend. She stood with me while I awkwardly ate an orange over a news paper box over a Writer's Workshop booklet (for the peelings). It was very messy and I don't recommend it. But, it's a way to eat an orange on the street.

She and I walked north in the lovely night. We walked north to 96th street where she went to her apartment and I plugged onward. I had a carb craving all day long and I was going to go to the Capri bakery and see what they had. I walked up to 116th street. The Bakery was filled up but I finally decided on a huge piece of cheese cake with chocolate cream on top and a strawberry.

I brought it home and ate about 85% of it. Oh, it wasn't the best I'd ever had but it was very rich and very delicious none the less. This morning, before my run, I ate the last 15-20% of it. I started Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix. I think the Potter books are making a little more sense this time around. Before, I used to listen to them in bed and I think I slept through good portions of them. So I never really understood what was going on. This time, there are still a lot of questions, but I'm more alert.

Okay, so what am I going to do with the rest of the day? I'm going to maybe take a walk to the library. I don't have to pick anything up or drop anything off, but it's a destination that isn't food oriented. I bought ingredients for burritos so at some point today I need to brown a little hamburger. I suppose I could do that in an hour or two when everyone is gone. I just warmed up some of my stir fry. I've got too much food around here but it's good food to have around. It's like a vending machine. I've made little meals like tv dinners. I just pull 'em out of the freezer and warm them up. But they're food I made for myself.

I have to re-new my license. I got the form in the mail yesterday. $88 for 8 years.

The three-year-olds should not run the preschool

2011-02-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

I didn't get up and run this morning. Roommate and boyfriend came home last night and were up past midnight like they always are slamming doors, cabinets and toilet seats. I want to get all passive aggressive and go slam that little office door about 20 times at six a.m. See how they feel about it.

I have to practice acceptance and I have to look at my resentments here. What am I holding onto? What principle? What shoulds am I forcing here?
I'm really really really good at getting out of shit that I don't like: jobs and relationships and apartments. I have no problem with going. It's the staying I have a problem with. I just always assume every situation is unchangeable and I have no say so therefore I have to "take it or leave it." There is no middle ground. I guess I learned in my house it was take it or leave it and I had little to no say. Not that mom was a dictator, but I don't remember having a lot of say in things. My opinion and wants were not solicited. Now, whether mom knew what my wants and needs were. I don't know. I don't remember. I didn't have an unhappy childhood. No, that's not my point. But she was in charge. I guess as a mother should be. The three-year-olds should not run the preschool or it's all play and birthday cake and no naps.

At eleven forty five today, I'm heading into the city to volunteer. I ate more than this yesterday. I just didn't have the camera out.

Gray Morning

2011-02-17T12:24:00.000-05:00

It's a gray morning. I set the alarm for early because I'm sick of running around in the sun--even on a cold day. It's best to get in the habit now of rising before dawn and doing the run. The earlier the better I say. It's so warm now.

I need to continue to listen to that Difficult Conversations book and really listen and learn. I'm learning some stuff. I'm learning about those intentions.

Uploading the photograph for a client. Although she's not a new client, I haven't really worked with her much in the past so I'm nervous about her wants and needs. She seems okay, but I'll be happy when this project is over. I hate estimating for time. Then, it's like I have to play the timing game. I send something to her when I'm at about 75%. If she likes it, great! If not, I'm still under time so it's all good. But I hate that.

It's such a relief doing stuff that needs doing. Now, I have to probably turn off the computer and do some other things. I need to do marketing. I need to take a big, stinky pile of clothes to the laundromat. I suppose I could turn off the computer for a couple hours. Maybe I'll do my marketing now and then turn it off for the rest of the afternoon.

02/16/2011

2011-02-16T11:52:00.001-05:00

Read an article in the New York Times this morning about actresses and how they order huge meals when they go out to eat with journalists. They eat a normal meal and the journalist reports that they're "just like you and me." But they're not. They're just doing that for the cameras. Oh, they insist they're obsessed with macaroni and cheese like everyone else--and I believe them. When you diet, you're obsessed with food.

I've started taking photographs of how much I eat again. For some reason, I like it. I'm reading Mindless Eating or something with that title. It's really opening my eyes to how much food we shove in our gobs without thinking. I know I used to eat very non-mindfully. I'd just eat until I was gorged and bloated and miserable.

It's warming up outside. Today it's going to be in the 40s. I noticed it during my run. I had one lap with gloves and then removed them. I even checked out the real track which is now about 80% cleared. But, there was still leg-breaking ice on it. Not worth it. Also, the water and puddles on the track get soaked up by my Wal*Mart sneakers which I was wearing today. So, no dice. I did one test run and it wasn't bad but then it was back to the outside track.

I'm listening to several books right now. Probably not a good thing. One is the Mindless Eating book. Another is an Ayn Rand biography and a book on having Difficult Conversations. I'm reaching the end of the Michael Pollan books which is fine with me. I think I get the message. I will be forever grateful. I eat plants but not as much as I did in January. I was almost on a GD fast. I've started eating a lot of rice and beans and stuff. So it goes. I should nix the rice.

Anyway, the Difficult Conversations book is interesting. The different viewpoints and no one is "right." We all have our stories and intentions. We assume others are out with devious intentions. We project negative things on others. What bothers me about the book is they have amateurs reading it. They're as boring and insipid as tofu. I don't like books read by the author (for the most part). The only person who has done a good job, I've found, is Toby Young who read How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. I was a little surprised to find out he'd read his own book. He did very good impressions.

I should do my marketing this morning and get it over with. Last night, I did my marketing. I just typed in "Wong" and photography and a billion Chinese photographers popped up. Damn, I'm so smart. I think I'm going to do that from now on. Forget the photo credit nonsense. There are so many photographers out there. I calculated last night: I've contacted about 3,500 different photographers and marketing firms. And I haven't even scratched the surface. There are so many more being born each year. Someone else is putting out a shingle.

Toilets at Grand Central Station

2011-02-15T18:24:00.001-05:00

I love the toilets at Grand Central Station. They're very clean and there are a lot of them.

Put together the packets for both Queens CUNY and USF. Took photographs of the ingredients so when I freak out later I can have photographic proof that I included everything that needed including. I'm a nut job that way. What the hell am I getting myself into, here? Do I really want to go to school? Well. Why the heck not? So it goes.

Turned off the computer and finally finished the WIRED magazine that was burning a hole in my bureau top. The next one will arrive tomorrow! It was a good issue. I ripped out two articles and sent them to dad. One was on con men and grifters in the 19th century and the other was about some dry statistician who figured out how the lottery worked. He used his knowledge for good, however, so we can root for him. It's kind of refreshing. Instead of cashing in on it, he went to the lottery and showed them how he'd done it. I'd buy that guy a drink if I was the drinking sort. But I'm not. Not anymore.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

I'm tired and am in a cranky mood. I thought I was going to get up early and go for a run. I was even wide awake and getting ready to go out when I remembered my terrible morning the other day. I felt really tired and it's no fun walking around in the dark. It's kind of creepy. You don't know what kind of psychos are in the park or out and about at that hour. Just I just stayed in bed, frustrated.

Checked my email and the cablevision bills are still coming to me--even though roommate and I filled out paperwork to have them go to her.

Went to the MET yesterday. There was very little that was new. I may have wasted my money on a membership. Oh well: money over the dam. It's going to be warm for the first time in months. Yesterday, I wore a light jacket and that was blessed. I have to concentrate on that today and not on all the piddling little bullshit that bothers me.

Am I still cranky? A little. I feel like I want to lash out. I was feeling so good yesterday. No sleep and extra paperwork makes me go something something. Last night, I stepped into Best Buy on 86th street to buy a copy of Turbo tax and walked out without it. I bought a charger and another set of headphones but completely spaced on what I'd walked in there to buy in the first place. *sigh*

There's a bad moon on the rise. I was thinking this morning in bed. I was remembering all the bad times. Facebook reminds me of a lot of things I'd like to forget. I'd like to defriend half the people I'm friends with. That's the way I am: I get rid of clutter. I defriend people. I should defriend one person a month.

I just want to read books and be left alone.

The Roman Wing

2011-02-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

I made Aunt Charlene's Caramel bars last night and I'm not sharing. I figured the whole recipe has about 3,500 calories in it. So, divided by 9....*sigh* I'm a monster with this crap. I bore myself. Never mind the whole time I was making them I was dipping my finger in the caramel bowl. I found a jar of caramel sauce at the Peach Pit. Who knows how long it was there, for? It was impossible to open, too. I had the gloves out along with the hot water. Finally got it open. I really didn't know what I was going to do as the recipe was already in full process. And I don't know anyone who might be able to do it.

Yesterday, I cooked with vermicelli mung bean noodles. Damn! Those things. They just multiply. They're like an alien substance. Impossible to work with.

I also bought 8x8 pans at the 99 cent store that's no longer 99 cents. Those stores will go the way of the five and dime and the dodo bird. That poor dodo. I think we should clone one. Create one out of outdated DNA. We can do that now. We can do all sorts of magic.

I suppose if I'm going to the MET I should get on with that. It closes at five o'clock on Sundays. Dust off my camera. I worked a little bit on photographs yesterday. Haven't done that in a long time. I stopped doing it when I was studying for the GRE. So it goes.

Maybe I'll go to the Roman wing. I like that place. I like those antiquities. I can't believe how old some of that stuff is.

I'm a very lucky woman. I can't get over that. Lucky in spirit and lucky in body and lucky in life. Blessed.

Donuts for Valentine's Day

2011-02-12T11:43:00.000-05:00

I was a little cranky this morning when I was running around in the park. I guess everyone has a big leash-free dog party on Saturday mornings. Which is fine, I guess, if they clean up after their dogs. But one guy, with a brindle black and brown dog, did not. Whatever. He was already in the red with me on that one. Then, his dog follows me and jumps on me when I'm running away. It freaked the fuck out of me! The dog was just being friendly, but dude! Leash your dog. It made me want to get all old lady on them and call the cops. My inner old lady is strong.

I had to throw away that pedometer yesterday. I'm glad I didn't spend more money on it. I have to complain about it online. It just kept resetting itself. The button would get pushed somehow. I'd look down and it would say I'd walked 50 steps back from the bathroom. When I'd accidentally pushed it while rearranging my clothes after using the toilet. :( Fume. I just threw it away. I can't have stuff like that kicking around making me mental.

Yesterday, the accounting department brought in dunkin' donuts for valentines day. I wasn't going to have one: but then manager comes in with half a one and gives me the other one. :( Thanks, manager. You're the one person I thought wasn't going to have one! Of course then I wasn't hungry for lunch but forced myself to go to Trader Joe's and stand in line for over 10 minutes. The line was back and around the store. Well, they do have cheap stuff. I guess it is worth waiting in line for. At least they have one line. If it was several lines, it would be turmoil I can tell you. I just stood in line and watched South Park cartoons. That made it better.

Mom and I were talking on the phone today about transatlantic flights and how much I abhor long flights. She says they're not that bad. You sit there for 20 hours but you watch four movies and sleep and they keep bringing around meals for you to eat. So, yeah, I guess. I need to go to Singapore.

What do I have to do today? I should go over to the library and sort out this book mess. I have a Nancy Mitford book out but my record shows I have something else completely checked out. So, I need to sort out that mess. I will not be dinged for not having a book out. And I need to go somewhere where I'm known and trusted.

Horse Running Wild

2011-02-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

I had my run this morning. A police horse got loose from the stables in the park. As I was running around, I saw a horse in the woods with no rider. There was a policeman on foot kind of trying to corral it. "Run!" I told it, "You can be free if you want!" Or something like that. The police officer wasn't amused but I found it funny as hell. The horse headed back to the stable. I guess it's not so dumb. It wouldn't have lasted very long on the streets of the Bronx.

Manhattan Adventure

2011-02-09T09:11:00.002-05:00

At about four o'clock, I sent off the final image and headed into the city. I brought a Seth Godin book, Meatball Sundae, on the train but wasn't even able to read it. My brain was fried. I got off the train at 86th street and headed over to the reservoir in Central Park. It got cold last night! Good thing I checked the weather before I left. Damn! It rained yesterday morning but then the temperature dropped. Thank goodness I had my new, warm, Christmas hoodie.

The reservoir was a dud. The track was covered in ice. It reminded me of that field we used to have in Illinois that we ice skated on. I decided to trudge on and only made it around about a quarter of it before I realized it was dumb. Too cold and slippery. No one else was about. That was kind of nice. I finally figured out the one weather I could have the reservoir to myself in. I listened to Harry Potter and headed south on Fifth Avenue.

I passed all the old mansions and looked in the windows. A lot of them are re-purposed as clubs and businesses now. Arts clubs and museums. Ah, the wealth! Makes me want to read a little Wharton. When I got to FAO Schwartz, I headed inside to look at the Barbie exhibit. It wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Sure, there were some nice Barbies, but not a lot of them. I'd give it a C+.

I continued down Fifth Avenue but by this time I was hungry. I fantasized about having a Crumbs cupcake for dinner. I knew there was one across from the Main library branch on 42nd street. But when I got there, there was no place to sit. I didn't want to get a cupcake and then stand around in the cold. That's no fun!

The main library branch I donated the Meatball Sundae book in the donation bin. I then checked out a Mitford book (I probably won't read it) and a John Prine CD. Headed over to Modell's and bought a pedometer. It said $9.99 on the back (cheap!) but the woman rang it up to a total of $14 something. "That's an awful lot of sales tax for a ten-dollar item!" I said. I showed her the price sticker on the back and she had to get the manager downstairs to override it. I hope that's not some scam they're running!

Went over to Grand Central and used their bathrooms. God those are great bathrooms! And I got there just after they'd been cleaned. Awesome. Sometimes, you just score in life. Then, I went back and forth from Junior's to Zaro's figuring out which pastry I wanted. For some reason, I got it in my mind to have pastry for dinner. It started with Crumbs. Man, I was mocus last night.

Still couldn't decide so just decided to head north. Went to 116th street and got soft tacos at El Aguilar. Delicious. Note to self: one is plenty. It came with two tortillas so there was enough meat in both tacos for two. So I ended up getting four tacos for a little over $5. Yeah, they're $2.50 apiece.

Then, because I still had pastry on my mind, I walked over to the Capri bakery and got a big slice of yellow cake. She packed it up and I took it home. Had my nose buried in the bag the whole train ride home while I watched a Sons of Anarchy episode. God, it smelled good!

And it was more delicious than I hoped! I ate it mindfully and stopped when I got full. I must remember not to over eat and negate all my hard work. Yes, it's all about portion control and there were a lot of calories in that thing. On top of the tacos.

Last night, I woke up because I was too hot. Haven't been there in awhile--carb burning late at night.

Henry Clay Frick

2011-02-08T08:25:00.000-05:00

Last night, I walked around the block a couple times. I passed the Frick. Man, what a house! I tried to imagine living there like Henry Clay did. I'd love that garden and have breakfast every morning while I lived there. Well, in good weather. I'd have my coffee and watch the carriages go up and down Fifth Avenue. And I'd hang out with all the wealthy people. Ugh. I'm both attracted and repelled by the wealthy. On one hand, I'd love their wealth, but on the other hand, the women seem no happier than me. I know that more than half of them have had plastic surgery and are starving themselves. Social x-rays. The men are probably all looking at each others stock portfolios and Southampton house. And that Getty Jr. died. He was kidnapped and had his ear cut off and no one bailed him out! That's what his family thought of him.

Super Bowl Sunday

2011-02-07T09:49:00.001-05:00

I put on the Super Bowl. I decided to root for the Packers because of my Midwestern roots. Funny how quickly I became engaged once I'd made a choice. At the beginning of the day, I didn't give a fig but once I'd chosen the Packers, I wanted them to win and hated the Steelers. It could have gone the other way! There's a study in human nature. Just like the blue-eyes study that Jane Elliott did with the school children. That's how we are: and we have to fight it every day.

Nostalgia for a time when I wasn't happy

2011-02-06T11:10:00.001-05:00

I get nostalgic for times when I felt "safe." I miss lots of stuff. I miss my big apartment in Carmichael. I miss having the Albertsons right across the street and my parents two hours away.

I guess I felt "safe" at my old job. I was never going to lose that job. I felt safe in CA. I wasn't happy at the C*A, but I sorta liked Sacramento in its own way.

I wonder what my life would be like right now if I'd stuck it out. What I'd be doing?

I don't regret FOR A SECOND moving back to ASHTON KUTCHER!!!!

I wanna walk all the way over to Murray Hill on my lunch hour because the food around here sucks. Its' ALL DELIS!!

I remember a little Indian place on 33^rd or 34^th. *sigh*

Why am I nostalgic for times when I wasn't all that happy? Why!?

2/5/2011

2011-02-05T16:02:00.000-05:00

Heavy sigh. It feels good to get back to "normal." I'm accomplishing a lot today but I still haven't done all the things I need to do. I set the alarm this morning for six but of course rolled over and went back to sleep. Got up a little before eight o'clock and put on the running gear. Made the coffee and headed out. No dice. I got to the asphalt path and decided to scope it out before doing a running lap. About 50% of it was still un runnable. This gave me a case of the sads. So, I walked home. The whole trip probably took me about 45 minutes so I had a nice walk. But still.

Mom called me. She's in Portland with dad. It was six a.m. there so no lights were on. She was in front of the fireplace under a blanket. A nice image. I wish I had a fireplace that flicked on with a switch. Maybe in my dream house. The house that my sister will build for me.

That walk did me good. Even with the peanut butter chip cookies from the Farmer's Market yesterday. That's what I had for lunch yesterday. I was really craving baked goods so walked to Union Square on my lunch hour. Got a $2 bag of three cookies and had two for lunch. Munched on one back to work which was kind of a mistake because it was still below freezing and my hands got so cold they hurt. :( I hate that! I hate when it's so uncomfortable outside it's painful. I don't mind the cold, but sometimes it's a pain in the ass when it hurts.

Right now, I'm ripping "Fear of Flying" onto the computer. Picked it up from the library. Had a nice, chatty back and forth with the librarian. I like her. She's an older lady and very friendly and nice. I like very friendly and nice people. It may seem like a no brainer, but, they seem to be rare. Nice is pretty easy to find and polite is easy as well. But nice, friendly and personable? Not so much. I complimented her on her snowflake earrings. She said she was worried she'd jinxed us with so much snow with her earrings! It was kind of funny.

Went to the Chinese vegetable stand and picked up oranges, tofu, broccoli, noodles, and stir fry sauce. And, as always, a little fruit cup. It's so cheap there but I have to pay in cash. I'm sure that's the place that got my credit card info. So it goes. They've got the dial up. Then, stopped at the economy store for liquid soap and then the grocery store for pork chops and other necessities. I really need to do shopping lists and plan out more menus. Although this pork chop bake I just made will feed me for 8 meals. Which is a lot. Last night, I polished off the chicken Parmesan which lasted for more than a week. I eat out and on the town. I was in the city for the whole week so ate there.

I'd hoped to change my sheets today but the day is still young. I can still do it. I feel like cleaning. I also bought ingredients for Autumn pork chops (basically pork chops sauteed in apple juice) but I have to defrost the apple juice from the freezer.

My skin is so dry! God, it bothers me. I drink too much liquid. I'm always going to the bathroom and therefore washing my hands and my hands get so chapped. I need to do a nightly treatment or something.

What I ate on 10/20/10

2010-10-21T10:24:00.002-04:00

What I ate on 10/19/10

2010-10-20T10:33:00.002-04:00

What I ate on 10/18/10

2010-10-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

What I ate on 10/15/10

2010-10-16T09:23:00.000-04:00

I was hungry all day yesterday; I ran in the morning and that seems to color the whole day.

What I ate on 10/14/10

2010-10-15T10:45:00.002-04:00

I also had a slice of pizza and some cheese and small cookies at a museum soiree.

What I ate on 10/13/10

2010-10-14T08:49:00.000-04:00

I found a fast food place on 23rd street that serves half-cheap Bib Bim Bap? A Korean dish. Fantastic! It was sooo filling though, I had to finish some at my desk.

What I ate on 10/12/10

2010-10-13T07:34:00.000-04:00

I didn't run yesterday. I didn't eat fantastic either. It's difficult when you're hungry to not want to shove everything into the mouth.

What I ate on 10/11/10

2010-10-12T10:26:00.000-04:00

God I eat a lot of crap. Pumpkin pie. Ice cream. And I'm not running today.

What I ate on 10/10/10

2010-10-11T10:42:00.000-04:00

I also had a slice of pizza and two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sometimes it's difficult to whip out a camera.

I feel gross and bloaty today.

What I ate on 10/09/10

2010-10-10T12:18:00.000-04:00

I ate a lot of brownies yesterday. :)

What I ate on 10/08/10

2010-10-09T11:45:00.000-04:00

I didn't add the enchilada plate I had for dinner along with the gigantic Italian Cheesecake slice I had for dessert. I felt gross and unattractive after wards. :(

What I ate on 10/7/10

2010-10-08T09:15:00.000-04:00

I think I got a cold yesterday; I had a suppressed appetite. I had a sore throat but it seemed to clear in the evening. When I exercise and take care of myself, I rarely get full-blown colds.

What I ate on 10/06/10

2010-10-07T10:44:00.000-04:00

I also had a hot dog from a street vendor but didn't get my camera out.

When I got home last night, I was starving so stopped at the King Hing for a small chicken lo mein. Mmmmm.....

What I ate on 10/05/10

2010-10-06T15:01:00.000-04:00

I went to the bakery yesterday and tried their raspberry bar number. Meh, not that great. I also got a ginormous piece of pizza on Bhure. I think I like the potatoes slathered in butter or butter substitute. Can't beat the ease. Just put in the microwave for 11 minutes. Voila!

What I ate on 10/04/10

2010-10-05T11:08:00.000-04:00

I had a couple handfuls of peanuts too. I weighed myself today: 136.2 and I ran about 47 minutes this morning. Not bad.

What I ate on 10/03/10

2010-10-04T07:57:00.000-04:00

Roommate made chocolate cake with whipped cream and peaches? last night. That was nice. I also polished off a lot of raisins sitting in front of Family Guy and American Dad.

What I ate on 10/2/10

2010-10-03T09:13:00.000-04:00

I ate more than this. I had a peanut butter rice cake before my run. Also, there were three cannolis but I'd already eaten one before I thought to snap the photo.

I had half a bag of baby carrots that didn't get a photograph,either.

What I ate on 10/01/10

2010-10-02T08:54:00.000-04:00

It was rainy and cold out yesterday: no running. I did volunteer work and had that tuna fish salad sandwich. That lasted about two hours and I needed the pizza. That lasted about 15 minutes so I got the bagel. Man, I'm always hungry.

It's sunny and cold out today so I look forward to a good run. :)

What I ate on 9/30/10

2010-10-01T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yuck. I ate a lot of crap. I had a small cup of ice cream and a bagel with cream cheese and a medium toffee mocha with full whip cream and it was awesome.

Just was hungry yesterday: that's all. I had a Starbucks coupon for September and had to use it. Sat in the Starbucks and just enjoyed the heck out of that mocha. Boy, it was delicious!

What I ate on 9/29/10

2010-09-30T10:04:00.002-04:00

Shoot. I totally had a cheeseburger and fries from a roach coach!

What I ate on 9/28/10

2010-09-29T09:45:00.000-04:00

I ate terribly yesterday! Carb on top of carb on top of carb! Pizza! Cookies! Spaghetti!

What I ate on 9/27/10

2010-09-28T09:30:00.000-04:00

I was pretty consistently hungry yesterday. It was rainy so no running and the larder was pretty-much bare. I kept going into the kitchen for handfulls of peanuts and nuts. I even had a peanut butter sandwich.

Finally, around six, I went out for Chinese. I didn't eat all of it but will have some leftovers for lunch.

How to do the First Step in Alcoholics Anonymous

2010-09-26T17:30:00.000-04:00

Today, I met with my sponsee about the first step. Here are some questions I wrote down. We had a great session.

When and what was your first drink?
Was there ever a time when you could take or leave alcohol?
When did you begin to realize you didn't drink like other people?
Who was the first person to address your drinking? What was your response?
When did you start to realize you couldn't control your drinking?
When did you start to control your drinking (i.e. only on weekends, only two drinks, only beer, drinking seltzer, "white knuckling it")?
Did you ever plan ahead for drinking?
What was your life like a week before you went to your first AA meeting?
What caused you to pick up the phone and call Alcoholics Anonymous?
What were your pre-conceived notions about AA?

With these questions, I hoped to capture some of the madness that goes into alcoholic drinking and why we end up at AA--how we don't drink like ladies and gentlemen. How we don't drink like normal people.

This is only a suggestion. There are tons of ways to do the first step!

What I ate on 9/25/10

2010-09-26T15:19:00.000-04:00

More Geneen Roth. I had a cannoli and a bundt cake for a meal. That was very filling. I don't know if I'm ever going to buy another one of those mini bundt cakes but the cannoli are outstanding.

Who knows how much fucking weight I'm putting on. I did my 45 minutes at the track so I feel okay with it.

What I ate on 9/24/10

2010-09-26T15:16:00.000-04:00

I had a hammantachen for breakfast and a brownie for dessert. Working my way through the local Italian bakery large selections. I'm not going to have one of the brownies again. It was like something you'd get in a prison or other institution: very ordinary. Which I like! Means I never have to get another one. The hammantachen is all right but no Moishe's. Well, it's not a Jewish bakery.

What I ate on 9/23/10

2010-09-24T09:44:00.000-04:00

OMG I had such a craving yesterday for baked goods. I spent all day obsessing about walking over to the Italian bakery and ordering something delicious to take home. I finally walked over there in the late afternoon and got the strawberry shortcake (not particularly good but definately filling). It really satisfied my craving for the sugar and the carbs!

I weighed myself yesterday: 137.2 I've been jogging at least 45 minutes a day for the past week so of course I'm starving all the time. *sigh*

What I ate on 9/22/10

2010-09-23T08:33:00.000-04:00

I had some leftover Mei Fun for lunch. That lasted about an hour in my stomach before I was hungry again. Went to my favorite Chinese tex-mex place on Seventh Avenue for dinner. Had the chicken combination plate. I ate all the healthy things first (salad/chicken) and then only about 75% of the beans and rice. I'm a good girl! :) I did eat the fresh tortillas they made. Those are so rubbery good!

I got hungry again around 8:30 and Steve K went out for pizza and brought me back a slice. Well, he said he bought himself too much pizza. He's an odd guy but a sweetheart! He said he'd write grad school recommendations for me. :)

What I ate on 9/21/10

2010-09-22T08:59:00.000-04:00

This is not half of what I ate yesterday. I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends and had tons and tons of delicious Chinese food. I know I've taken pictures in restaurants in the past, but I would have had to take a picture of a lot of things and it's just not worth it. So, just assume I ate a lot of Chinese food and about two slices of chocolate cake for dessert and it was AWESOME!! :)

What I ate on 9/20/10

2010-09-21T08:46:00.000-04:00

There should be a mug of ice cream in addition to this; I totally flaked on taking a picture. Ooops! I love subway and their low-fat sandwiches and prominent caloric content (although I did get the cheese I held back the mayo).

What I ate on 9/19/10

2010-09-20T08:49:00.000-04:00

I ate some crap: a linzer tart and a mug of Breyer's ice cream. I had the linzer tart for breakfast.
I started listening to a Geneen Roth book When Food is Food and Love is Love. I found it online at the enypl. It's okay so far.

What I ate on 9/18/10

2010-09-19T07:57:00.001-04:00

Ate a lot of peanut butter on rice crackers with diet preserves. It's one of the few things that satiates me. I like it. I eat one before I go for my run at the track and I feel a billion times better than I used to (mentally). I used to just ruminate over current and past wrongs. Now I think about happy, joyous, and free thoughts!

At around seven o'clock, I needed to get out of the house. I had a huge carb craving so walked to the bakery and got the enormous slice of carrot cake. Not half bad for $2. I love my Italian Bakery!

What I ate on 9/13/10

2010-09-14T08:15:00.000-04:00

Back to the dieting. Back to the photographs. Just got back from a fun-filled several days of vacation and eating restaurant meals three times a day maybe more. I need a big fast. I'll step on the scale later after my shower.

What I ate on 8/2/10

2010-08-03T07:58:00.000-04:00

I think I could finish this today: I've done it for four weeks. 4 sets of 7 days.

Although I worry if I go off the constant vigilance. What constant vigilance? Well, I know I can do it. I suppose if I stop, the couple pounds will come back. Still 134.2 which is nice. I went to City Island yesterday and had half a shrimp basket and an ice-cream cone with a friend. I seem to go out more and socialize than I thought!

Anyway, it was a learning experience. Yeah, maybe I'll quit today--even though it wasn't that big a deal!

What I ate on 8/1/10

2010-08-02T08:55:00.000-04:00

I had a real craving for cake yesterday that I could not shake. Lucky for me, I found it at a grocery store in upper Manhattan for 99 cents. It was perfect: I can't say that God never does anything for me.

Yesterday, I weighed myself: 134.2. I think the "diet" is working. Nice to know that I can buckle down and lose some weight if need be. I hope I don't yo-yo diet for the rest of my life. I'll probably carry these lessons with me: a belly full of food and a head full of diet tips. Try to eat healthy but enjoy life too. No, I didn't need the grocery-store cake; that's a problem.

What I ate on 7/31/10

2010-08-01T09:13:00.000-04:00

Roommate and I were watching Top Chef yesterday and I was eating in front of the television set. I ate more than I should have. I didn't need the scoop of chocolate peanut butter along with the plain yogurt with honey.

So it goes!

I weighed 135.6 yesterday and only ran for 20 minutes because my headphones gave out--and hard--at the track. At least it wasn't my ipod.

What I ate on 7/30/10

2010-07-31T10:19:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe I've been doing this for almost a month! I don't think I've lost any weight (136.4), but it's interesting to see all the healthy choices I've made so far. I've only had one slice of pizza in three weeks? I was offered a donut last night and of course I took the opportunity.

I ate out twice yesterday; I really wanted a regular/old dish for lunch so had the steak and guacamole combination plate at the Chinese tex-mex place. The guacamole was terrible so I ate little of it; but I concentrated on the most-nutritious parts of the meal: the steak, the beans and the salad. I left the guacamole and a lot of the rice. Rice is a waste of time. It feels good to be healthy!

Last night, before my volunteer commitment, I got a deli sandwich. Lo-fat tuna salad on 7-grain bread with no dressing. Of course they had pastry samples and of course I had to have a couple! I'm not a saint. :)

What I ate on 7/29/10

2010-07-30T06:52:00.000-04:00

I allowed myself one treat yesterday: I was meeting a date in the East Village and decided to have a Moishe's Hammantachen beforehand. Haven't had one of those in ages. That was my dinner and it was delicious!

The Burrito Supreme was a chicken fresco: 340 calories and very filling.

What I ate on 7/28/10

2010-07-29T07:09:00.000-04:00

Not much to report today. I weighed 135.4 or something yesterday. Wish I'd kept a better record of what my weight was when I started. That brown stuff is chocolate peanut butter that I have in cupboard. Supposedly it's sweetened with cane sugar and not HFCS.

What I ate on 7/27/10

2010-07-28T09:36:00.000-04:00

I went somewhere last night where I ate two slices of apple turnover and wasn't able to take a picture of either. So I went online and found approximations of what I ate.

I ate a lot of brown and white food yesterday: actually, the orange and the egg and the peanuts are non processed. The only processed foods are the yogurt and lunch meats and bread.

I weighed myself yesterday: 135.5 or something similar. I can't remember the exact number. My scale is digital and it only works in the bathroom--so I have to carry it in there every day before my shower.

I'll doubt I'll have lost a pound after my month-long experiment of taking pictures of food. I refuse to go hungry. The point is to stuff my maw with healthy foods instead of unhealthy!

I read a blind item yesterday that points to Gwyneth Paltrow being a big bulimic. I refuse to go there. Refuse. Life is too short.

So it goes.

What I ate on 7/26/10

2010-07-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

A lot of handfuls of peanuts and nuts. I guess that's become my new thing to snack on while I'm waiting for food to come out of the microwave or something. Ironically, it would be better if I ate Hershey's Kisses like I used to: they're less caloric.

What I ate on 7/25/10

2010-07-26T08:56:00.000-04:00

I was hungry yesterday and ate a lot of meat: turkey dogs and actual hamburgers with ketchup. I then had "dessert" of peanut butter and honey on rice cakes. Yes, I think the trick is to have protein in the morning: like peanut butter. Yesterday, I had oatmeal with just milk. Typically I have it with peanut butter stirred in but I'm trying to eat "healthier!" Ha! :)

What I ate on 7/24/10

2010-07-25T09:53:00.000-04:00

Same old same old. Had a weight watchers lasagna lunch. They were on sale and it was pretty filling. I went to a weight watchers site and realized I'm allowed only about 18 or 19 points. Man! Not that I have any interest in giving them one thin dime of mine.

What I ate on 7/23/10

2010-07-24T10:08:00.000-04:00

Two days at 137. No I haven't dropped a pound in three weeks! I guess one really does have to eat less and not just better if one wants to lose weight. I have a new, healthy respect for the Angelina Jolies and the Gwenyth Paltrows of the world. I don't know how one starves oneself without going absolutely mad!

Last night, F and I walked to a Mexican restaurant in East Harlem and I had the enchiladas. It was the cheapest thing on the menu. I guess I could have ordered something healthier. She just ordered the rice and beans. Oy!

I did have a cappuccino that I didn't take a picture of. And I told her that our diets were verboten; no food talk!

What I ate on 7/22/10

2010-07-23T08:46:00.000-04:00

I eat a lot of carbs. I went to interg last night and a lot of food was "foisted" on me: the orange candy slice, the small bit of Indian food and the chocolate chip cookie. All my food is "brown" or yellow. Three sandwiches and three bananas. Man, bananas are like eating cookies! I gotta green up my eating today.

I was back up to 137 yesterday; the bloat goes up and the bloat goes down.

what I ate on 7/21/10

2010-07-22T08:08:00.000-04:00

I'm wearing this "diet" like a lose garment. I have no boundaries and no no-nos. I ate a lot of carbs yesterday; roommate made scones and I had one. Then, I was starved so had a regular (old-style) lunch of two beef and bean frozen burritos: my food pellets.

I went to a meeting and they had cookies and candy and I can't believe I didn't have any; mainly because I couldn't whip out a camera and start taking pictures so just eschewed it. It was just chips ahoy and nonsense like that.

Afterward, I went out with some people and got the cheapest thing on the menu: a Boca Burger with sweet potato fries. It was something I would have ordered anyway. Maybe I didn't need to eat the whole thing. I sat next to a thin Asian chick who picked at her food.

I wish I could pick at my food.

Loneliness

2010-07-21T11:33:00.000-04:00

"Women have more feelings of empathy for other people than men do (though women and men have about the same degree of empathy for animals, whatever that means). In fact, for both men and women—and this finding struck me as highly significant—the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women. Time spent with men doesn't make a difference." —Gretchen Rubin

What I ate on 7/20/10

2010-07-21T07:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a not-so-great day. I ate the small cup of ice cream and then decided to just polish off the quart and be done with it. Stop obsessing over it. So I just sat in the living room and enjoyed it. Then, I was still hungry so had a lunch-meat sandwich and a peanut butter honey rice cake and glass of milk for dessert. That seemed to finally sate me. I was able to enjoy my evening of reading.

Roommate made scones last night after I went to bed and there are three in the kitchen now. Scones aren't a big problem for me (chocolate chip cookies would be or muffins). I'll definately have one!

What I ate on 7/19/10

2010-07-20T08:41:00.001-04:00

So far, I don't think I've lost a pound. I'm down to 135 again but at this point it's all just water weight or loss--which is frustrating. I ran yesterday for the first time in days: only 27 minutes. It was hot and I wasn't that into it and my play list wasn't very good.

I have an interview with a temp agency today for possible placement at an ad agency. I don't have high hopes. These things never work out. But it's important to leave the house and be in the world. I really have to make leaving the house a priority.

You can't always get what you want: but if you try sometimes you just might find you can get what you need.

That doesn't mean much here but it's what's on the stereo now.

I really like taking pictures of everything I eat and using my photoshop first thing in the morning. :)

What I ate on 7/18/10

2010-07-19T07:38:00.000-04:00

My friend F and I walked to City Island--all the way to the end for Johnny's Reef. I got us a basket of shrimp and fries to share (although I could have easily polished off my own basket) and then afterward we walked up to the ice-cream parlor for stingy scoops of ice cream. She got it in a cup to avoid the cone calories (good thinking although I do love me a cone!)

What I ate on 7/17/10

2010-07-18T08:34:00.000-04:00

I'm getting really lazy with the diet, but not so much. Most things I'm eating are non-processed. The bread is diet bread at 40 calories a slice. The soup and chicken dish I made myself (with some processed food stuffs). And the ice cream is processed food. But carrots and apples and peanuts oh my!

I'm not hating on myself so much anymore. Yesterday, I was back down to an all right 135 something.

My friend F is coming to visit me today and we're going to walk to City Island for sea food at Johnny's Reef. Yay!

What I ate on 7/16/10

2010-07-17T08:54:00.001-04:00

Eating terrible again. I'm eating whole-egg sandwiches in the morning mainly for staying power. For some reason, I'm always hungry at work. Probably because the AC is always up really high and I get bored and want to snack. But that's not it, too. After lunch I'm not hungry: not if I've had a full lunch.

I haven't run in days--mainly because of working and also because of this terrible heat wave. It's a real drag running around in the heat and sun. Also, that weight-loss diaries book just got to me. What's the point? What's the point?!

Two-egg breakfast sandwich
Bag of peanuts
Carrots
Minestrone soup (Homemade)
Cup of non-fat plain yogurt (with honey)
Lunch-meat sandwich on diet bread (no fat)
Mug of butter pecan ice cream (I obsess over it until I have some!)